Your Loneliness, Sorrow, & 'I Have to Figure it Out By Myself"
“That’s what you do out of love, you carry the burdens.” But that’s part of the entanglement.
If you’ve ever tried naming your desires, but this overwhelming sense of impossibility is right there in the same moment, this episode will resonate.
Lily came into this alchemical constellation work session wanting “to find the source inside myself of joy and calm and to not feel blocked by reactivity and resentment as quickly as I feel like is happening.”
She wanted to feel grounded in the present moment and to find a deeper connection with her children and her husband.
And, as you know, when that has felt out-of-reach, impossible, and maybe hopelessness has started to creep in constellation work is waiting in the wings!
As Lily shared, there’s no better way to start off the New Year or any chosen new beginning than with this sense of renewal.
You’ll especially want to tune into this client session if you, too:
» are cultivating a deeper relationship with joy and/or working to identify what joy feels like to you
» feel like reactivity and resentment are holding you back
» find yourself going through the motions vs feeling grounded in the present
» want to be able to set better boundaries to protect your energy
» notice that time feels like it’s slipping by so fast
Topics covered in this podcast episode:
How to identify your intention for a constellation work session
How specific to be with the intention—and why that matters
If ancestors are aware that it’s possible for someone to live out their destiny
What is considered the pre-field
How we and the ancestors end up entangled
If you can be entangled with more than one ancestor
How resolving ancestral entanglements impacts other, current relationships and your capacity to feel joy and aliveness
I hope that this session with Lily nourishes your system and helps you to move forward if you’ve also been feeling reactive or resentful and wanting more calm or joy.
Reach out if you’re thinking about working with me. I have the Women's Legacy Collective, which is my annual program in 2026 for 13 women. And I have many different ways of inviting people to journey with me, both short term and long term, group and individual.
Thank you for joining us and being a part of this alchemical constellation journey!
To book your own constellation process, explore the Alchemical Constellation Gateway.
If you’re unsure where to begin, sign up for a free Consultation Call. And if this episode resonates, please leave a review on your favorite platform and share this episode with those who you think might benefit.
Until we meet again, I'm sending blessings from the Doeg land I steward.
Resources:
Connect with Amy:
The unedited podcast transcript for this episode of The Soulful Visionary Podcast follows
0:00:03 Welcome to the Soulful Visionary Podcast. I'm your host, Amy Babish, and welcome, welcome, welcome, into our guest today, Lily. Hi.
0:00:13 Hi. You're coming to you from different continents, and so, uh, I'm trusting that the interwebs and all the supports will be wonderful for us, um, and for those of you listening, uh, you know, to enjoy the ride with us.
0:00:30 So Lily, on our show, we always begin with what is your intention. So would you in your in your best words share what you'd like to work on today.
0:00:42 So my intention, what I'd like to work on today is to find more the source inside myself of joy and calm and not feel blocked by reactivity and resentment as, as quickly as I feel like is happening.
0:01:09 And when, when you say like the source inside of yourself, do you already have an awareness of what like in your body and what calm feels like in your body because this is you know of course no judgment but just when we're working with intention we want to be as specific as possible.
0:01:28 So some people think of it as like joy as like an idea. Do you know what joy feels like somatically inside of you?
0:01:35 Yeah I mean I do I do from the moments when I like have felt it or feel it. So I feel like it's this bubbly, tingly sense of energy.
0:01:49 It's almost, if I close my eyes, I almost envision it as like this kind of golden energy that is surrounding me and also inside of me.
0:01:58 And I can feel that in moments where I feel really joyful. And it's also a sensation of being very light like everything feels really light in terms of weightless.
0:02:08 Okay and if we were able to work through through activity and the resentment that's holding you back and you had the source of joy and calm within you, how would you like to use that energy?
0:02:25 I would like that to use that to go through my days feeling more connected with Kind of a a deeper sense of of purpose and fulfillment in living the life that I have and And that is unfolding in every moment.
0:02:49 So I often feel currently like I'm going more through the motions and that I have I don't have a feeling of something that's kind of grounding me to the present And I feel like joy is something that when I feel it ties me more closely to the present moment into the life that I'm actually living and more
0:03:11 fully able to experience the life that is actually taking place around me. A lot of people can relate to that.
0:03:22 And is there anything that you feel like with the life that you're living that you would like to change, other than the feeling of being present and can more joy and calm?
0:03:34 Um, well, I mean, yeah, I mean, yeah, in some ways there are a lot of things I would want to change and in some ways not because there are a lot of things that I'm really happy with in the life that I have, but I guess I would like to be able to use that sense of joy and connection to my own life and
0:03:58 a deeper, stronger sense of self through that kind of joy with and presence with my own life in order to feel more empowered to do the things that feel meaningful to me, to in order to be able to set better boundaries when it comes to things or people that kind of drain my energy more and in order to
0:04:25 , I don't know, I guess just make the most of the time. I have this very strong sense of time passing now that I've kind of hit midlife and I I just want, I don't want it to slip by.
0:04:39 I want to have this sense that I can actually use the time that I have to its fullest. And I know that's not so specific, but I don't know how specific do you want.
0:04:49 So, so we're going to be doing for those who are listening, Lily and I already know this. We're going to be doing an alchemical constellation.
0:04:57 And I find when we work with the things that you've talked about that are blocking you, the resentment, the reactivity, they belong somewhere but they're they're they're ending up in your current life and so for them to find their rightful place of belonging the more specific the here and now moving
0:05:17 forward you are that actually tell it's like kind of like a funnel it allows your life the opposite happens so the funnel right now is bigger in the back coming directly towards you as the like my point right here and what we're going to do when we do the consolation is we are separating what has been
0:05:37 together and we're bringing together what has been separate. So you are entangled with something or someone that is, you know, an unfulfilled destiny and it looks like no matter what you do, you are bound to their reactivity and resentment.
0:06:01 And so when we go into the field, when we have a really specific kind of like what I call like robust and meaningful intention, then you become, you flip, you flip the funnel.
0:06:16 So then from you, the energy goes forward and it has a lot more opportunities moving forward. So that's where the wideness goes.
0:06:25 We don't do a video on this podcast, but I'm really seeing it. So for those of you who are kind of envisioning this, the triangle gets inverted and it goes the opposite way.
0:06:37 And so when you're thinking about the deeper sense of self or the things that you want to do, do you have a sense of what that would be like, is it about, I don't think it's about your career, but just to kind of give the broad categories, it could be anything from like, I want to start my own business
0:06:57 to, I want to better sex life to, I want to have a quarterly retreat with myself. There really is no moral or ethical hierarchy, the more that we can kind of be like, oh, this is where you feel held back.
0:07:14 Yeah. And this is where there's been kind of boundarylessness. That will also let the field behind you know, oh, that actually belongs to that ancestor, because many ancestors are going to be like, oh, yeah, I have that.
0:07:26 I'm resentful. I am reactive. And this kind of helps us pull the thread to, oh, this is who this belongs to.
0:07:33 Yeah. No, that's helpful. And I think, yeah, So to own in on it a little bit more specifically, I specifically want to feel more connected and joyful in my interactions with my children at home and have more playful time with them.
0:07:57 And I want that same thing in my relationship with my husband, actually, to have kind of a deeper connectedness and also lightheartedness with him, specifically.
0:08:10 And I want boundaries in the sense that I have time and freedom to do simple things like to have a little bit of time I like to write.
0:08:24 So, to have time to write, to be able to take myself out of the fray and do the things that clear my mind like go running or meditate or write or be creative in the different ways that I like to be.
0:08:41 And I often feel like there's so many practicalities of just day-to-day life and parenting and all the relationships pulling me in a million directions that I never get to or I've rarely or not as much as I would like to, maybe it's not as rare as it feels, get to just have time to be in my own thoughts
0:09:06 . That's what I would really like in my day to day. Okay. Now we're getting more specific. And if you and your kids had more time to play, do you know what kind of play that you would like to do with them?
0:09:21 I think this is part of the problem that I don't actually want to play with them because I feel like, you know, like they're delightful kids and also they are all consuming.
0:09:34 And so it's hard for me to imagine something on top of all the interactions we already have that would be just playing.
0:09:41 So it's yeah, it's a little bit hard to imagine, but yeah, but maybe just like silly like goofy silly games making jokes together, having little spontaneous dance parties listening to music.
0:09:54 And we do those things sometimes, but I wish that that was more central to our relationship with each other and it was less about all of the other millions of little things.
0:10:05 So this is, this is, this is, I can feel as we're, as we're kind of naming more of the shape and form of it, sometimes it just feels almost impossible, right?
0:10:17 It's like you have the idea of like, okay, if some concreteness of like silliness, jokes, dance parties, games, music, but like how that would actually, how can there logistically be time and space for this.
0:10:31 So I can hear that time and space are part of the entanglement. I don't have time and space. Yeah. Yeah.
0:10:38 That's what it feels like for sure. Yeah, and I have the chills when I say that. So when we're working with ancestors that are entangled with us, the more that we can like kind of speak to them and say like we really, you really are living out this person's destiny because they're not going to believe
0:10:56 it because ancestors don't really know that it could be like this either. Some do, but most of them don't. It's really going to help us, when we go deeper into the conversation, to the process, that they feel hurt and they might be more willing.
0:11:16 So, when we have the entanglement, sometimes it's apples for apples. It's like a woman who was married to at kids and sometimes it's not but I can feel that there's something about there's no time in space because there's no time in space there's resentment and reactivity but then even like having I
0:11:41 don't quite have the words for it Lily but like having a life for this is possible, it feels impossible. So it feels almost kind of like, and I don't know if this is yours or if this is the ancestors, but it feels almost like, like resignation or hopelessness.
0:12:06 Like, is it, I don't know when this is going to change? Like, is this, I might get like a little drip here or a little drop there but I really can't have any sustenance that is like giving around this.
0:12:19 Does that feel accurate? It does and I would say it's it comes kind of in waves so there are times where that feels 100% accurate and then there are times where it feels a little bit less like that so you know the grip that it has I feel like shifts but because it's a sense that's been there for a long
0:12:36 time I would say yeah that's that is the overall feeling I think that it's like something that I don't have any power over to change and I just have to kind of wade it out and see.
0:12:49 Do you notice any times when it resends or diminishes? Do you know, do you know anything about yourself, like time of year, context, and other any patterns that you might notice with it?
0:13:07 I think when there are bigger transitions, so that there is a sense of renewal or a shift that breaks up that feeling a little bit, and when I do have a chance to just extract myself from like the constant obligations and all the things and I'm able to just be with myself a little bit longer, although
0:13:39 that's not always the case, then sometimes that sense goes away. And then more specifically with your relationship with your husband and like more like hardiness and connectedness there, do you know what that would look if you like for you?
0:13:53 So I do, I do because we used to have a lot more of that when we, like, yeah, when we were the first years we were together.
0:14:01 So I do have a sense of what that would look like. Do you mean, like, specifically, what we would be doing or more of the feeling?
0:14:08 Um, I mean, whatever you would like to share, like, do you feel like it would be like, um, kid free time?
0:14:15 Do you feel like, like, yeah, your face is worth thousands of words. Yes, 100% that's what it would be, but you know, kid free time is not everything, it's kid free time and also being able to be present with each other and not being distracted by, you know, a million other things that were focused on
0:14:37 because sometimes we have kid free time and there's just still not a sense of connection because there's so many other things that were, one of us or both of us are mentally wrapped up in, but the thing that I when I feel most connected is when we mutually open up about struggles with each other, I feel
0:14:57 like that feels really connective and through that we often get to somewhere more light-hearted because it's like it's tough and then you kind of end up laughing about it together and and I really my best moments with my husband are like when we joke with each other when we're laughing together when
0:15:13 we share a sense of humor. Yeah, I love that. Yeah, so it sounds like like a deeper vulnerability like this is what's really going on.
0:15:20 Not just like the like we did this, we did this, and then we did that. Like what's really at the base of it.
0:15:26 So I can hear like my heart, I can feel just like the longing for that. I feel the longing. Okay.
0:15:36 Is there anything else you want to name or ask me before we go deeper? No, I don't think so. Okay.
0:15:45 So our next step is to We had our pre-conversations, and that was about almost a month ago to the day.
0:15:56 And so a lot of things can shift. And so we will go in and kind of recheck to see if we can kind of fine tune where this entanglement lives.
0:16:07 And so when we do that, the first step is to do a tune in. And so when we tune in, we're just asking your field based on your intentions that you name to take us to what this is about and sometimes it's like a puzzle piece.
0:16:20 So you might get a puzzle piece and I might get a puzzle piece and sometimes it's like very like, you know, uptoose or amorphous and sometimes it's very crystal clear specific.
0:16:31 So everybody's fueled is different and we just ask for it to come in a way that really lands and makes sense for you, okay?
0:16:38 Okay, so we'll close our eyes and we're just going to ask like a radio dial your systemic field to tune us in to this intention and where does this belong?
0:16:55 Where does this entanglement that's tied to your intention? Where does that live in your field? Do I need to ask the question specifically or was that already that yeah that's that's you know I'm at your field can hear me okay if you feel like you want to say it to them in the language you speak you
0:17:23 can speak to them in that language Willie's native language is not English so sometimes the field wants to speak in the native tongue Okay, I was thinking about saying something, but actually, right now I'm getting a sense of ocean waves.
0:17:58 I don't know. Yeah. Okay. And does it feel familiar anymore in the middle of the ocean or? No, at the shoreline.
0:18:09 Okay. it doesn't feel super familiar. Okay. And sometimes it's like a gentle kind of gentle person layer and anytime we do any any process together really it's always up to you if you want to hear what I get because it's your process so would you like to know what I got my tune in?
0:18:30 Yes please. So it's interesting anytime I'm working with somebody when it comes like between my last session and this session, we call that the pre-field.
0:18:41 And of course your pre-field is from when we met in December to now in January. That's the whole pre-field. So as I notice things I'm asking, is this lilies pre-filled?
0:18:52 And then today, more specifically, the closer we got to this session, the more I'm really tuning into like what I'm getting.
0:19:00 So the pre-field is like that. But then 99% of the time when I do this tune in, I get something very different than what happens in that physical world.
0:19:10 But today I had the unusual experience of what happened to me in the forest today was exactly what I got when I turned in.
0:19:18 And so something is important about that. So I live in an area that is outside of Washington, you see, but the woods that I live in, And it was a territory of the Indigenous Americans who rose up against the colonists.
0:19:39 So they were like a subset and they were known as the Boogeymen. So it's their names, the Doge. And in Washington DC, the main Indigenous group is the Piscataway tribe.
0:19:53 So that land always kind of gives me a certain kind of feeling when I'm on it. And it speaks to me in a way that's very unusual.
0:19:59 And so, we weren't on that land in the tune-in. I definitely was in Bavaria, and I have the chills when I say it.
0:20:07 But the animals that I saw today were in Bavaria when I tuned in. So it was the same exact fox.
0:20:15 We have red fox here, which are like oranges brown, and burst the fox cane. And then the exact same two huge crows that I saw at the end of my hike were in the tune in two.
0:20:33 So sometimes the field kind of really is in the quantum field and it goes between time and space and knowing as we started our process today, a lot of what you're naming is about not having enough time and you don't want there's something about time and space with the entanglement that you're in.
0:21:01 And that things can really fluidly move in a way that I've never seen in anyone's process. Interesting. So I mean, I get, I am an expert of a, of a anomalies.
0:21:16 So I'm always tracking, okay, I've never had this before, okay, I've never had this before. I've never had this before.
0:21:24 So I wasn't planning on sharing that, but the field is asking me to share it, and I am someone who is very deeply connected to nature and to animals.
0:21:36 And so fox and crows are, they offer the animal wisdom of magic. and like the metaphysical and bringing things from like ancient wisdom I would say that's a way to explain fox and like the venn diagram between fox and grows so as you're saying this Amy it's so interesting sorry to interrupt you I was
0:22:14 one of the things I do to kind of relax my mind as I started running a lot this year and it really helps me center and a few months back I was running, usually I run through a park that's fairly near our home and then just do kind of laps there but it was dark already when I wanted to So I ran across
0:22:36 the we have a like what used to be an airport and that has the whole like the hangars and it has the the airfields and everything and so you can now kind of running there for walks.
0:22:48 And so I was running there and it was like fairly dark outside, but you could just see like a little bit of light ahead of you and then you could see the lights of the city kind of past the airfield.
0:22:57 And the fox ran right toward me. And it was such a surprise. And I mean, we do have foxes in the city.
0:23:07 You know, we see them. We have red foxes too here, actually. But it was funny because it was like it almost ran.
0:23:14 It didn't run away. It was running like briefly towards me almost with like a curious kind of look. And it freaked me out a little bit because I was, I mean, foxes here don't have rabies.
0:23:23 You know, it's always the first thing like, like, oh my god, what does this animal want for me? But it was like, oh, okay, why are you running in my direction?
0:23:31 Not, you know, away from me. But that just, that memory just came up really strongly for me when you, when you said that, like it suddenly also got the chills, remembering, yeah, the fox running toward me.
0:23:44 So I would, I would posit that maybe the field started even back then, because it will, it's kind of like weaving.
0:23:53 That's the way to think about it. It's weaving like a thread in needle through time and space to bring us to this time.
0:24:00 And when I say that, I have the chills. So we welcome that fox, this fox, those foxes, and the crows, and I haven't seen crows that size.
0:24:17 I still live in Japan. I haven't seen crows that size, which is like the size of a cat. a lot since I lived in Japan so I kind of was I really stared at the at the crows and I just thought this this has to be for Lily's process and I'm someone that really like really is very present to everything around
0:24:40 me and I have not seen crows that big and probably I don't know almost eight years so So there's something, something's happening and we're going to go into the next layer.
0:24:57 So the next layer, we're going to close your eyes and we're going to begin to presence kind of like the essence of your mom behind your left shoulder.
0:25:09 And so it's not as you know her in 2026 but as you know her as a, you know, a sovereign being.
0:25:21 And you're going to ask her, do you carry this entanglement around time, feeling like there's not enough time, not being able to be present, being feeling blocked by reactivity and resentment.
0:25:50 Okay. And what does she respond? I think she says yes. I think she says yes. Okay. And now, you're going to present your dad behind your right shoulder.
0:26:14 And you're going to ask him if he carries this pattern. It's weird because rationally, I would say yes, but I'm sensing no.
0:26:36 Okay. And I'm getting a strong sense that you should kind of just like imagine the whole paternal line behind you.
0:26:48 So all of the people, not just the men from that line, but all of the lineage, because it feels like someone's really pressing on me.
0:26:58 Okay. I think, does anyone else in that line carry this? Just to check our work. Yeah, I'm not getting anything.
0:27:22 Okay, not a yes or a no. Okay, we're gonna take that as a, that's a no. So our next step is we're gonna go through the maternal line and we're gonna just ask And if it becomes kind of at Nazim, we can jump a line, but out of respect, we just asked kind of early on.
0:27:43 And so we're going to bring your maternal, your mom's parents, so your maternal grandparents and ask them to either of them carry this.
0:27:59 So I'm asking them specifically whether they carry this entanglement, right? Yeah, do they struggle with, there's not enough time, it's hard to be present, they get reactive, they're resentful.
0:28:24 No, not getting it there. We'll go back and we'll go to the next four, which are your great grandmother for your grandmother and then for your grandfather.
0:28:42 So does it matter that I can't like visualize them because I have no strong sense? Sometimes they show up as like an orb of energy, sometimes that's a color, but you're kind of just asking them.
0:28:57 Does anybody in that four have it? No, I'm not getting it there either. so this is interesting so this let's we're I'm starting to see because I'm looking for patterns so that tells me it's it's jumped a lot of people to get to you okay so usually what will happen typically when we're doing like tracking
0:29:41 where who does that belong to typically it might be like a pinball machine where it goes from maybe grandmother to great aunt to great great great grandfather like it will start to you'll start to see the line but I can feel right now that it's it's not close in okay so we're gonna ask your field who
0:30:08 does this belong to okay so I will tune in and you'll to tune in and often times they will kind of share themself with us and I will see if they want us to be precise, often times they do.
0:30:27 So we'll both tune in to that. What happened for you? I'm getting. So what I see when I'm asking who does this belong to is I see like a red-fitted girl who is the young-ish, like something between 8 and 12 and we'll start Yeah.
0:31:56 And so you can explain to her that you are, you are in her line, you are related to her, and that you are in the year 2026.
0:32:11 And you can ask her if she knows or she's dead. She says no. Yeah, I get that she says no.
0:32:36 So you can ask her to share with you like where she lives, what was going on in her life? Was there like a plague or was there a war?
0:32:50 Those are the things that that era that might have caused her death. And then if it's not those things, then it might be the family or the community.
0:33:21 I'm getting that she lives in a village by a forest. Um, and can you ask her like was there like a famine that's another one that could be a big one?
0:33:56 No, there was no war or famine. Okay. Hard plague. Um, and ask her kind of like the quality of her life.
0:34:32 Not getting a clear answer. I'm getting that she might have been like what we call these days modern times, she wouldn't know what this means, like that she was a print of I child.
0:34:44 So she had to take care of herself and she had a lot of responsibilities, but she might not have seen it as taking care of herself because that's just how it was.
0:34:52 But I have a sense that she didn't get to play much. So you can ask for that, like, were you busy doing chores?
0:35:00 Housework chores. I see her I see that she's just like really busy. Okay. I'm getting a sense that she was alone a lot.
0:35:29 Yeah. And you can ask her, do you know who your parents are? Okay. I'm not getting an answer to that.
0:35:53 Yeah. She's not in orphan, but I think that she had so much responsibility. I think it's almost kind of blocked from her, who should be taking care of her.
0:36:14 And so, Lily, in your own, from your own experience, to kind of connect with her, you can explain to her, I feel that alone sometimes too, or sometimes when I was growing up, I felt like whatever your, whatever your coral area is and sometimes that helps the ancestor to understand that you you deeply
0:36:42 get it. Okay. I'll try. What happens when you share that? I feel her kind of like relaxing or warming up or I don't know, I just I feel like an easy yeah yeah yeah and so part of it you know for you for your side of it the way that we talked about it with translation work is like I belong and I'm pointing
0:37:35 backwards for those of you who are just having the the auditory I belong to your loneliness. I belong to your I have to figure it out all by myself and my life, your life force that is going back to her.
0:37:55 And when I say I can feel my heart. So even though you have a life here, the energy of the life force is going backwards, because even if an ancestor is not aware of their death, even if the life force just goes backwards, the flow of life is going counter and so that's what resonates that tracks.
0:38:22 That's part of what causes you to feel not only the resentment and the reactivity. You're more depleted than you probably realize because part of your life force is going way back there.
0:38:42 And it's kind of Hard to logically or linearly understand that, but I can feel in my head how much like pressure and stress she has, like her head hurts.
0:38:59 And I imagine that you probably have a lot of tension that you carry and it's hers. Okay. Yeah. So how does that land for you when I name that?
0:39:13 Yeah. That feels true, actually. That feels, it feels like, yeah, which is funny because you know, I'm obviously new to this.
0:39:22 And not, like, it's not something that I'm like, oh, yeah, no, that's totally what I would have assumed. But you know, it feels, that feels true.
0:39:29 That feels like, yeah, I just, I guess, I think it makes me curious, like, why, you That's like what I'm sad about.
0:39:45 Yeah, that's it. You're gonna, I have a sense we're gonna have a really big reveal. Okay. Yeah. And, you know, I think I don't know exactly, but what I would say from my understanding, and it's not the capital T truth, is that, you know, when we incarnate, most people that I work with have lived many
0:40:10 , many lives, many many new lifetimes and they have accomplished many things they come in with a lot of gifts and they also have a lot of capacity and so the things that they're working on in this lifetime so for you resentment boundaries reactivity and time you probably have tried to work on those in
0:40:29 other lifetimes and so in this lifetime these blood lineages raise their hand and say hey we struggle with those things too and we will make sure that you don't forget about it and so when when you have that agreement of this is the bloodly and you're gonna incarnate to this little girl, raises her hands
0:40:46 and she says, can you take my burden? Can you help me? And when we're not in the incarnate form and we're in this limitless energy, you say sure, of course, I wanna work on this too, of course I'll help.
0:41:02 Yeah. But we don't really have the consequences of what that, like, we don't have the fine lines of the contract in the details.
0:41:11 So right now, you're like, how do I run? How do I write? How do I get more time for myself?
0:41:19 Because this is just way too much. Yeah. And so this is going to you're going to start to we're going to start to get down to what's really happening.
0:41:33 And she can hear me talking, I know that, so she's hearing me too, because she doesn't understand how this works either.
0:41:43 And she does remember that kind of conversation with you, but she didn't know that it was going to have this kind of like dire consequences for you, or that it would be like almost apples for apples of what she experienced that you're experiencing as an adult.
0:42:00 And I can feel how kind of almost like shocked she is, like, she died between 8 and 12 in your midlife.
0:42:08 And she's like, I don't know how she's doing it. Like, I can feel if she's really sad. She feels like, that's really painful because she had it for 8 to 12 years and you've had it for a long time.
0:42:25 Yeah. And we take it on out of love. Because before we incarnate we're like of course I want to figure this out and like I have to choose a human body to be here to work it through.
0:42:41 And she can see the agony that you're in. You know the funny thing is to be honest as you're saying this I feel like.
0:42:50 I feel this connection that, like, if she had asked me even as an already incarnated human being, I probably would have taken it on because I feel like that is what, you know, that's what you do out of, exactly out of love, like you, you know, you carry the burdens.
0:43:13 And yeah, this is part of the entanglement, Lily. She carried the burdens. And she didn't, she didn't, she knows they were burdens, but she carried the burdens alone.
0:43:29 So we're going to go on and talk with her a little bit more. Okay. So it's important for her and your other ancestors to know, like in this process, we don't shame anybody, we don't blame anybody.
0:43:44 We will hold people accountable. That's part of what we do. But whatever it was that she was left alone or she's not willing to tell us, it's, she's the little one.
0:43:59 Yeah. And this experience, you and I are the big ones, but there's I think she might be willing to tell us who her parents were.
0:44:17 Okay. I'm not getting much on the mom. I'm not either. I'm getting a sense that the dad was like a very large where she sees him as a really large.
0:45:01 Like someone who, you know, like when they go through a door they basically block the whole door frame kind of large.
0:45:08 like he was a like big sturdy bulky person. You can ask her, was he the medicine man of the village?
0:45:24 Oh, interesting, okay. She might use a different word like healer or they didn't have the word doctor. I don't think so.
0:46:02 Can she share what she might use a different word for it? Did he help people with all kinds of things?
0:46:11 Okay. And you can tell her she's not going to get in trouble for telling us and it feels like it might have been like a secret.
0:46:25 I mean, I feel like she says he fixed things. Yeah. Did he also fix people and things? I feel like the answer is that people came to him for help, but I don't know if he healed people.
0:47:00 Yeah. I don't think he was a healer. I'm going in gently. Okay. Okay, so what I'm getting is that he might have been someone who's magic.
0:47:16 Oh, wow, okay. And he was a healer, but he was a fixer, and he was quite busy. And a lot of people came to him, and that's why she was alone.
0:47:28 But it was a secret. and I feel the double-bind in her heart around that. A lot of people relied on him and so she felt like she couldn't really go to him.
0:47:42 Yeah, I mean I get a sense of absence definitely, like I get a sense of, Yeah, hmm. I wonder if that's what makes him seem so big I just And you know, yeah, the phrase that Phil gave me was like, he's larger than life.
0:48:02 That's how important he was. Okay. And like the metaphor of like, it's hard for him to get into that, that cross the threshold.
0:48:13 Because he's so big. Okay. And so this definitely feels like, we need to invite him in. So we're going to invite him in to be with his daughter in us.
0:48:34 Okay. Okay. I feel like he came and sat down next to her. Yeah. And so you can explain to him that you are his descendant, 16 generations in the future, and that you are entangled with her and with him.
0:49:15 And you can explain what's going on, that no matter what you do, you are really reactive and you're really resentful.
0:49:27 And the words I would use, which I think you would understand is you carry the denied aspects of the things she couldn't be with, which she was such a good girl.
0:49:37 She was such a good daughter that she held back all the reactivity and resentment to make it easier for her dad to fix things in her words.
0:49:48 Yeah. And you carry all those all those denied aspects. And you carry her sense of time passes so quickly and I can't deeply connect and I can't be joyful because I never know.
0:50:04 And you carry her tension of having to do it like all the little things, all the mundane things, all the obligations.
0:50:45 Okay, I explained it. And what is his response? He seems surprised. Yes. It's like a plot twist for this. Yeah.
0:51:03 I feel like he feels like he tied up all his loose ends and he did not know about this. That's what I'm getting from him.
0:51:10 Yeah. No, yeah. That tracks. Yeah. And he feels, I mean, I'm getting the sense that he feels sorry about it.
0:51:22 And you can ask him. And I get that he's very private. So if he doesn't want you to share it, because we're on recording, he knows that we're recording.
0:51:30 He can have a sense of that. He might not know what it is, but he's like, I don't know what I want to know in my business.
0:51:35 Okay. I think it's important that he knows what you do and that you know what he he does for a profession.
0:51:41 I think both those things have an important intersection. Okay. It seems pleased. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. And you can say to him, I got some of your gifts.
0:52:19 Yeah. Yeah, I carry your gifts. I carry part of your legacy. Yeah. Yeah. And what happens when you two are kind of seeing the overlap?
0:52:44 there's a sense of connection definitely. I feel like he's he's opening up a little bit. I get that he he knew how to work with a quantum field In a way that is way like way beyond his time, time keeps coming up, but he didn't know that that's what it was, but he could do things that other people that
0:53:23 fix things, we'll just go with that line, couldn't access, and he was very respected, but he and all of his obligations.
0:53:36 I have a sense that he regrets not really being there for his daughter. Yeah. And it's important we know and that she knows how she died.
0:53:48 So do I ask him or her again? You're gonna ask him because she doesn't know how she died. She drowned.
0:54:03 Yeah, in the she drowned alone. I don't know. I have a sense that part of it is that he has immense, like immense sorrow and regret that she died, how she died.
0:54:36 I have a sense that he might have been working or he had to step away and he wasn't he wasn't with her when she died.
0:54:45 He might have been close by but he didn't know that she was drowning when she was drowning. Yeah. I think that's right.
0:54:54 And so I think it's important that he and his daughter have have a moment around that. So they can, she can have more relief that he can express how much he loves her and how sorry he is and how he didn't know how to prioritize her, how that was confused for him.
0:55:31 He didn't know how to be playful with her. He didn't know how to be lighthearted because his work was so prolific.
0:55:37 That's my sense of it. And he is almost, I think shame, but he couldn't be that kind of bother to her.
0:55:49 And then she died. And what happens when you had a witness their process. I mean, I get the sense that there was crying.
0:56:19 and that they're embracing and I get a sense of like relief.
0:56:31 What happens in your body as you witness it? It's like I feel like something kind of settling a little bit.
0:56:46 Yeah. Yeah. I can feel like you're more of you that's coming into the present moment. Mm-hmm, yeah. So, I don't think that they need anything else from us, okay?
0:57:03 Sometimes we need to bring in a resource, but I think that they were each others. They need to reunite, that was the resource.
0:57:14 And so this is a little bit unusual, So your life force was going to both of them. Okay. And the thing that was going to him was it the sadness and the shame and the guilt or I was the thing that was going to him.
0:57:34 So it's not necessary. So that's his. That is coming towards you. Yeah. So you're getting what he's been living like the soup that he's been steeping in.
0:57:45 So what's coming from you is just my force. Just going, okay. Yeah, and you're loyal to my sense is like his prolific ability to help.
0:58:00 Like he was a helper. Like he helped a lot, a lot, a lot of people, beings, things, situations, all kinds of things.
0:58:11 he helped a lot and so you have been loyal to like prolific impact. And I don't even I don't even know you that well, but I have a sense of the impact that you have.
0:58:39 I mean, I do feel like I've always had this outside of me sense of feeling really strongly pulled to helping people, in my case, healing and medicine, but the thing that always kind of has pulled me to that.
0:59:00 Yeah so it has been kind of like you you took on his like that priority that was a priority and you also have carried his conflict of I don't have there's not enough energy there's not enough time I don't know how to have the lighthearted fun joy and calm in my personal life with my kids and my husband
0:59:27 and that I have what I'm doing my work. Yeah. Yeah. And I think it's important for him to hear like you have been living out that part of his destiny too.
1:00:05 Hey, I'm getting the sense that he feels like he failed. And can he share how he feels like he failed?
1:00:27 Like all those efforts and all those ways of helping didn't, didn't ultimately like he wasn't able to bring that happiness into the people closest to him.
1:00:44 Yeah. Yeah. And I feel like there's, it feels like sorrow to me. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Like sorrow. And, and he does, I do sense that he knows he's dead.
1:00:59 But I think so too, yeah. So he's been living with us for a long time. And so in this moment, now that he has kind of repaired and reconciled with his daughter, is he able to forgive himself?
1:01:32 He thinks so, yeah. And this he needs to ask his daughter for forgiveness. He wants to. Yeah. Yeah. So he can he can do that now with her.
1:02:09 Yeah. Yeah. She forgives him. Yeah. What do you notice when that happens between them? It felt like this great energy kind of started to lift up.
1:02:27 Yeah. Yeah. So we have a little bit more with them, so our next step is for you to say to them, like I see that you're in your own words free now, I see that you're whole, whatever, which whatever feels resonant for you.
1:02:44 And then you're going to say to both them, I take my life back from you now, my life course. And then you can tell them what you like to use it for moving forward.
1:03:19 Yeah, I told them I want to use it for my family and the people I love and the people around me.
1:03:26 Yeah. Yeah. And they might want to give you a gift or a blessing or a combination of those things. They can do that now.
1:03:53 I'm getting a sense of like a like a gold chain with the round like an annulet or a metal on this or a coin maybe.
1:04:06 Yep. Yeah. Yeah, that's my gift. Yeah. Yeah, ambulance sounds right and it might be a coin that's an ambulance that feels right on.
1:04:22 Now we're gonna go back to your mom. Okay. Okay. Does that feel okay for you? Yeah. So I don't know you very well Lily but do you feel like anything between you and your mom in the shades of what was happening with the little red-headed girl and her dad.
1:04:52 Maybe different storyline but feeling alone or feeling like, yes, yeah, yeah. And so you and your mom have been entangled in this.
1:05:05 So it's probably a different route entanglement for her with generation is probably the grandfather of that of that duo of the dad and the daughter that we just worked with.
1:05:16 It might be the grandfather and the son that your mom might be entangled with. Okay. So it's it's it's a complex web but between you and your mom we can we can do a little bit work work right now because you are freed from the daughter and the father back there.
1:05:34 Okay. So we're gonna invite you to kind of present your mom and in a way that she's more grounded and more hold and she might be in this time and space.
1:05:52 2020 in real life, but a way that she can receive the information and have a conversation. Does that feel okay?
1:06:02 Okay. Yeah. So, you can explain to her in your own words. I want to stop the cycle. And I can now see this didn't start.
1:06:18 What happened between us didn't start with you and me. It has really, really old roots that are deeper than you and I ever, ever knew before and just see what happens when you acknowledge that with her.
1:06:40 Okay. I get a sense that she's relieved that it's not just all her fault. Yeah. And in your own, your own heart, how does it feel for you to know it's not all her fault, all her fault?
1:07:29 It feels. It feels right and it also feels. Like, it's still sad. Yeah, there's so much, like, I want to, I want to weep to say, like, our relationship broke me.
1:07:56 Like, I needed so much more love. I needed to play. I needed joy. I needed attention. I needed to mint.
1:08:06 And I will always be the little one and you will always be the big one. And I know in this life you can't do it for me like this.
1:08:15 Yeah. Can you express that in your own way to her? Mm-hmm. I know you couldn't do it in real life, but in this space you can say it to her.
1:08:26 Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, what happens for you and when you say that to her? It is kind of a sense of release, but also just a sense of grief, and what do you see in her when you share that with her?
1:09:03 The same. Yeah. Yeah, a sense of release, and also a lot of grief. Yeah. Yeah. So we're actually going to bring in a resource for you and your mom around the grief.
1:09:16 And so grief and Eastern medicine is the on the edge of joy.
1:09:29 So we have a lot of grief we hold back or a lot of perfectionism. Those two things impinge on grief.
1:09:37 And so both you and your mom and these other ancestors have just had immense unresolved grief. hard bake and sorrow.
1:09:49 And so when we bring in a resource, I kind of tune into what function it should serve. So it's an activating resource.
1:10:00 And it's a resource to activate healing for grief, like grief resolution. And so you might get, it can really be anything.
1:10:13 It'd be something from nature. It could be a deity. It can really be anything. So does anything come to mind?
1:10:22 And it might feel like out of the ordinary, anything come to mind for you. I'm not getting anything specific. So I'm getting that it's a place.
1:10:42 Okay. There are a place that calls to you and your mom that you could go to that the place, the land, the water, the trees, the mountain that might help to do the work for both of you.
1:11:01 They said calls to both of us. It might not call to her intellectually but it will call to you and then it'll resonate with her.
1:11:10 Okay. I'm wondering if the waves that you saw in the beginning, I wonder if that's the place. And if you know where to place a shore like that.
1:11:26 I was just thinking the same thing. I think I do know actually. I think I do know which place. There's a, it's not me, you're here though.
1:11:35 That's okay, that's okay. that's where in the limel space we can work in quite a field. Okay. It's in Oregon and there's a beach there that has a very magical feel to it.
1:11:53 Like I think about all the time actually. I feel like that's the place. So you can say let's go there.
1:12:01 Let's go together and I know the water's cold over there. So, you know, that's whatever you, this is your time.
1:12:12 Okay, let the Pacific Ocean of this Oregon coast and the sand and the salt heal the grief that we've carried for generations in the plate out between the two of us and that continue to play out between us.
1:12:26 The lack of connection, the lack of joy, the lack of calm, the reactivity, the resentment, let it wash, wash through us.
1:12:37 It could just be our feet. We could go skinny dipping. You get, this is your, choose your own adventure moment.
1:12:43 Okay. Yeah, it's my feet. I'm definitely not skinny dipping. But that's okay because in my mind it's, I'm walking down this beach with my pants rolled up and we can walk there together and let the tide waters, like the tide pool waters just kind of lap over our feet.
1:13:12 And it feels like, you know, our feet is where we carry most of the energy and it feels like you're willing to release all of the all of the generations of misatunment and obligation and not being able to show up for our kids.
1:13:36 Both of you are if it's like you're walking off all of that for the ancestors. So you might you might start to feel and welcome in the ancestors to walk with you, that they can they can be forgiven and it feels like you know in different diets it's like pardoning ourselves and pardoning each other.
1:14:17 Yeah. And it comes from the big one to the little one. So I invite your mom to pardon you for the confusion that she carried for the projection she places on you and to pardon herself for not pardoning herself and for not pardoning you.
1:14:49 That she will take you off the hook because it was never your responsibility. Yeah, what do you notice in your body when that happens?
1:15:11 I noticed just this kind of a little bit more lightness and a little bit of a sense of renewal. And if you feel called, you could say the same to your mom.
1:15:28 It wasn't okay and I also parted in you. That form of love isn't love for me. Is there anything else do you want to say to your mom?
1:15:58 Yeah, I want to tell her I know she was doing the best she could with what she had. Yeah. Yeah.
1:16:10 Or is, Yeah. She still is. Yeah. And that it's not, like, it's sad that it's not enough, but I understand it.
1:16:21 Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And now with your mom, it's a little different because she was the actual, she gave you this body.
1:16:46 So we say a little bit, we say a different phrase with our parents, and if you feel comfortable, we can say that with her.
1:16:54 Okay. And you don't say anything if you don't feel comfortable, we can't make it to make it here. Yeah. So you say thank you for giving me life.
1:17:04 And then you say, I take you off the hook. And I take my life back from you now. Yeah, I can say that.
1:17:20 Yeah. What happens now? left with this lingering sense of of her sadness. A lot of resources came in so she will have that resource of the ocean to even if it's not conscious it will be there for her and this father and daughter also can help.
1:18:03 They're connected to this. So when we take our life back, even though we're in this limo space, it's helpful to kind of imagine or sense that the ancestors are holding your mom now.
1:18:26 She's been disconnected from them too. For many many reasons. And so she's the little one with that. Yeah. Yeah. So you will always be the little one with her.
1:18:42 But she will always be the little one with that. So she's the big one for you. And she didn't she didn't know she She thought she was a little one too.
1:18:57 And I have a sense that was happening for that little girl, the eight. Yeah. Because I couldn't find her mom.
1:19:03 And now that we name this with your mom, I think that her mom might have felt like she was, she didn't know her place either.
1:19:16 Yeah, I can almost feel her for that red headed girl. I can feel her mom emerge as we mean that with your mom.
1:19:23 Yeah. I think I can, too. Yeah. So that family is reunited 16 generations back and your mom is kind of metaphysically energetically spiritually becoming the big one now.
1:19:55 And so it feels like another statement wants to come from your mom for you. okay and it seems like it's something around her reactivity and it feels like she wants to apologize like I'm sorry I confused you that this was the way parent or that love is reactivity and resentment.
1:20:36 Something like that. Yeah. yeah I feel like she's she's kind of maturing as she says that she really didn't know Yeah, I believe that.
1:21:12 What do you notice in your own body? I feel like that just lands right in my chest. I have it all.
1:21:26 it's like it's kind of spinning right in the middle, right in the center right now. So you can kind of just see that whole maternal lineage and maybe the father and the daughter and her mom might wave at you because that's pretty far back.
1:21:47 But you can just see this is where you come from. This is part of where you come from. And there's just so many as many gifts as there are complications.
1:22:00 And you can tell them when you're ready. I'm ready to have my own life now. I'm ready to have the deeper connections with joy and calm and right-sized like anger, right-sized frustration and healthy boundaries.
1:22:24 And I'm really ready to be like deeply present with myself. My husband and my kids and have lots of laughter and joy and silliness and life.
1:22:37 And you can ask them for your blessing. Like those of you that can bless, bless me and my family. I'm ready to receive that from you now.
1:22:48 Okay, I want your help. Yeah, I feel that some of them are able to give me that. Yeah, you could say help my marriage and help help me help my kids help our family.
1:23:29 And help me find my alone time that I so treasure. Yeah, is there anything else you want to say to them?
1:23:51 That I didn't really realize they were there yeah everyone's been disconnected yeah and then I'm like I'm happy I'm happy to have them in my back basically yeah yeah they they are on your back yeah they're the mountain of support mm-hmm I like that that makes that gives me a sense of calm yeah yeah yeah
1:24:20 yeah We will start to close the constellation, and these resources you can call on them at any time, any of them.
1:24:33 The foxes and the crows have raised their hands. Your 16 generations back, fixer of a family member. That's how he would like to be called for privacy sake.
1:24:50 the little red headed girl who she just feels like she's she's magic. She feels like magic now that she's been freed.
1:24:58 The Oregon coastline and then the maternal ancestors who are the maternal lineage ancestors who are ready willing to just show up and really help with all the things that you want to move forward.
1:25:17 Well, did you have anything else you want to ask me or anything else that you want to share before we close up?
1:25:24 I know this was was really fascinating. I didn't I'm unexpected, obviously, and I feel really grateful, like it's, yeah, it's, I have often struggled with this sense of feeling kind of lost, like even though I'm a very competent grown-up who's very capable of taking care of myself, there are a lot of
1:25:52 moments where wonder like why, why do I feel so like just lost like I don't know the you know my way like I don't know what I'm grounded to and I kind of feel like this sense of you know these ancestors behind me and the all these lineages like it's it's kind of like it's a nice way of feeling more grounded
1:26:18 I'm grateful for that. Yeah. And I think you also were carrying that little girl's sense of I'm just putting my head down and I don't really know what I'm doing here.
1:26:31 Like I don't have anyone to help me. And like what am I doing? Like I should do this, but what am I doing?
1:26:36 Like, yeah. I feel like that was hers. So I think both and that you that got alchemized and you have the ancestral support now.
1:26:48 So I think you'll get a, as the constellation unfolds, any kind of metaphysical work in the liminal field, quantum field, it takes, you know, it sometimes happens right away and then the last 5% it might take three years.
1:27:09 So it will, it will happen in a fold just as it should. but I do have a sense that you're going to feel quite different and your family and your family will notice you in a different way.
1:27:24 And you will notice them in a different way. And I have a good way. Yes, a good way. And you know, even though your mom is not really available for this consciously in this lifetime, things might even start to ship with her.
1:27:41 I can't There's no promises of dramatic results, but even like a subtle buffer would be immensely helpful for you. I think.
1:27:48 Yeah. Yeah. Definitely. I like, I like starting the new year with that type of energy. That's nice. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
1:28:01 Thank you, Amy. Thank you for being brave and thank you to our listeners for hanging with us. and I hope that this nourishes everyone's system in terms of how to move forward if you are reactive or resentful or want more calm or more joy.
1:28:18 I hope that this resonates and for those of you that are interested in continuing to do this work with me, I have my annual Women's cohort, the Women's Legacy Collective.
1:28:29 We start at the end of January. It's five weekends in person at my home in Washington DC with virtual meetings in between and it's 13 women so it's very intimate.
1:28:42 It will be prolific and we'll be doing with this kind of work but if you're more of a one-to-one person you can reach out and we can explore how I can support you.
1:28:50 Until we meet again sending you blessings from the Doatland that I steward outside of Washington DC and thank you.