Mercy That is Not Deserved and Grace That Isn't Earned With Sandy Hook

Who can I share this with who has the capacity to hold?

Joining me today is someone who’s a colleague, friend, and we will probably be constellation collaborators at some point in the future, Leanne. We know each other through the alchemical constellation world.

This is a deep, deep, deep experience and portal, not only for Leanne but for you, too.

For many years, Leanne has been asking for help around experiences of racism and living through the Sandy Hook school shooting. She had yet to find someone her system felt safe enough with to open up to. Someone who could hold the bigness of what she needed to express and be with her as she shared it.
One of my superpowers is this, so I invited her on the show. Leanne and I have done constellation work together before, but never like this.

What unfolded during this conversation is a variation of constellation work which I haven’t featured on the podcast yet. The beginning will feel familiar, but then… the magic and healing unfolds in a new way.

You’ll especially want to tune into this client session if you, too:

» haven’t found someone who can be with you through it all

» are consumed with thoughts of preventing more hurt

» are ready to stand in the fullness of who you are

» constantly feel pulled in two directions

» have always felt like an outsider

**TW: This conversation includes specific mentions of abortion and an experience of a school shooting. If you choose to listen, take gentle care.

Topics covered in this podcast episode:

• What needs to be named when doing intention work

• How constellation work can be supportive when calling in financial abundance

• What information Amy needs you to share with her vs what can remain private

• How to do a tune-in and what information you’ll receive

• What it means when client sessions are interrupted in BIG ways

• What a “report” in constellation work consists of

• How Amy’s approach to constellation work is quite unique

• If all entangled souls know that they’re dead

• What can be done if the entangled soul or souls don’t name a helpful resource

• Why the flow of life force energy can only go one way

• How likely it is to get messages prior to a constellation work session

• If the healing only goes backwards in the lineage or if it goes forwards too

• What to know about expansion and contraction with integrating this work

• The 3 Tarot card story Amy pulled before the session
  

This is an authentic session real, raw, unedited, and today’s session is a significant layer in Leanne’s healing.

I thank you for riding these big waves with us and swimming the waters and traveling to so many places with us. I hope that this was medicine for you no matter what your connections are with the themes from today, with Leanne and her story, or with your own lived experience.

To book your own 3-session constellation process, explore the Alchemical Constellation Gateway here.

If you’re unsure where to begin, sign up for a free Consultation Call. And if this episode resonates, please leave a review on your favorite platform and share this episode with those who you think might benefit. 

Until we meet again, sending you blessings.

Resources:

Wild Unknown Tarot Deck

Related Episodes:

I’m Loyal to the Part of Your Soul that Died with Your Baby (Brittany session 1)

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The unedited podcast transcript for this episode of The Soulful Visionary Podcast follows

Amy Babish: Have you ever felt like there's something more just waiting to be unlocked in your life? Like no matter how much you've accomplished, a deeper potential is calling. Welcome to the Soulful Visionary Podcast, where I guide you to align with your authentic self and create a life of purpose, love, and lasting impact. A life where you can truly soar beyond what your mind can comprehend. I'm your host, Amy Babish, a licensed psychotherapist and an expert in somatic coaching, feng shui, and wisdom traditions. With over 20 years of experience guiding thousands of clients through soul level transformation. Each week we'll dive into potent practices, live client sessions, and insightful conversations to help you dissolve intergenerational patterns and transcend your upper limits so that you can live the big life you're meant to live. Tune in and let's unlock your inner wisdom together. Amy Babish: Welcome in to the Soulful Visionary podcast. I am here today with someone that I'm so excited to have on the podcast. She and I are colleagues. We're friends. We will probably be collaboratives at some point in the future, and we know each other through the constellation world, the alchemical constellation world. So I welcome with my whole heart, my whole being. Leanne. Leanne, welcome in. Thank you for trusting me with this. And yeah, we. We started to have a really juicy conversation right before started recording. So this is going to be like. Amy Babish: A deep. A deep, deep, deep experience and portal, not only for Leanne, but for all of the listeners. So I want everyone to have the juiciness that is part of this process. So, Leanne, begin wherever you want to begin. We were talking about the prefilled. Leanne: Yeah. So, like, this feels like very divinely. What is it? Divinely orchestrated? Amy Babish: That's. Leanne: Yeah. So. So, like, even in the. This has been percolating like for like a month, a little bit over a month now with the trips that we took in the, like the. Just the messaging from this field that is so alive. You're knowing I'm seeking. And somehow like, there was a collaboration, so I was just sharing before we hit record, like, how ready I am, because my field is like. Like this one. Like, I usually am late to everything, but this one is like, no, no, no. We're going to be on time. You're going to be ready. You're going to have your resources in place because this is going to be profound for you and it's going to be shifting. It's going to be like this, this, like, so there's. There's an anticipation that feels very alive. And excited to do this. And I'm in a pool of chaos right now. And this feels like medicine, like that I've been seeking in my soul. So this feels like the arrival and the welcoming. And when you said welcome, fully welcoming me, like I like, it felt like a deep, like not just for me, the person, but like deeper than that, like everything that. That is also wanting to be seen and accessed through this. So thank you. Amy Babish: Thank you. I have full body chills as you're talking and you know, thank you for, for naming that. When I welcome a guest in, when I'm welcoming you in, I'm welcoming in your soul, your blood ancestors, everything in your systemic field that brought us to this moment. And we have a lot of intersections and we may or may not get into those in today's conversation, but I think it's important to present that, you. Leanne: Know. Amy Babish: You have really thrown everything at this and you have tried to get help with this in many, many different ways. You are a constellator in your own, like write your own gifts and your own magic. And you have asked a lot of people for help with this and you've gotten help, but it's just. You need something else. Leanne: It always doesn't feel like it's deep enough, like when I'm speaking to, to go deeper. And, and so like, so they're layers. Right. And. And there's always. I'm seeking to go deeper in the layer so that I can emerge as more wholesome as a calculator myself. Yeah. So, yes, I have thrown everything into it because this feels like my entire purpose. Amy Babish: Yeah. So would you. Does it feel okay for you to share your intention? Leanne: It's so interesting because before we also turned on the camera, I had purchased a few items just generally from my own practice. And just as I went to grab something that I forgot before we turned on the camera, it says healing, returning to wholeness. And I forgot that I had written, I welcome my soul retrieval by. I had written in pen by standing in my fullness. And the instruction and the back of the candle is to visualize your desired outcome as you burn this candle. So my, my desired outcome is to. To go into those deep shadow places. And like, even the parts that like, I've been conditioned to survival, I guess, to keep in the shadows, like I feel fully ready now to emerge. I mean, a bunch of life experience. I don't know if it's going to come up now or later or in another time. I don't know. But. But there are certain experiences throughout My life that I've like kept a shadow and I'm learning now that it's protective. So right now I think I've done the work enough to say I'm ready to go deeper. Maybe not now to have the fullness, but if the desire is to add. The end goal is to look at my future self in, in. In fullness and wholeness. So I can be a mirror for anyone that is coming toward me to seek any help. Like I want to be like to be able to see myself fully and for them to be able to see the mirror and not just a mirage of, of, of something that isn't real. I don't know if that explains my intention clearly. Amy Babish: It, it really. I can feel it clearly and I think your field is speaking through you clearly. And I can feel the tenderness and I can feel the complexity and I can feel the longing, the depths of the longing. Would you feel comfortable sharing kind of what gets in the way for you around this? Like you know we use the word in constellation work entanglements. But for every older, like tell me more about. Leanne: Yeah. Amy Babish: What is that? Leanne: Yeah, yeah. So yeah, I guess it's, it's important to keep reminding. Remind me if I, if I'm like in constellator role like because I'm, I'm feeling like I'm talking to somebody who knows. So help me, help me like remind me to break it down so that, that would be helpful. So you. So I just literally also had my regular therapy session today and again like I said I was pre filled. So pre filled is kind of like you, you like when something is coming up like a bunch of things just start aligning to that kind of like it's leading you like okay, you're on the right path. So in my session today I realized that the block is usually my. The entanglement often is this like this role that I feel like I've been recruited. I just remembered not too long ago through doing this work that like I think I've been, I've been this, I've taken on this role since the age of four and, and that's the role of standing in the middle with loyalty. And it started with my so I said so four. So I wasn't going to go into my history, but I guess I'm going to go into my history. Amy Babish: Thank you for being so honest and vulnerable and transparent because yeah, absolutely. It's very real. Leanne: Yeah, absolutely. So again, and this is like just going traveling this road of memory, remembrance that kind of led me here should this, like, this is where it started from and probably started before that. But from what I can remember right now in this body that I hold that I'm living in, it's when I was around 4 years old. And I don't know if anyone has detected it yet, but I have a little bit of an accent. So I was born here in the United States, but I wasn't raised here. And my parents, my dad was here for education, and then he moved back home, my home country. And that's where I was raised. And I came back here. I didn't visit or anything. I came back here on my own after, after, I guess, high school. That's like prevalent here after high school and to go to college. But it also was a very traumatic time because I had lost my dad that year, and my dad seemed to be like, everything. But prior to his death, the experiences of my family is like, there was a lot of conscience, I guess, in the. In the nuclear family. I'm not the first, I'm the second. But that, like, I've always felt this all to not pick sides. And so it was really, like, hard for me to be, like, I couldn't find, like, it didn't matter who I was with, like where I come from, the parent, the father, piece of children, like, not here in the United States. So even though, like, we were solely with my, my father, like, I always felt a deep sense of loyalty towards my mom and everything that, like, like, like, it's just like I always felt this connection, like, because it's all both of them. And I think even through their own relationship, like, somehow I inserted myself in the middle out of loyalty. And that's kind of like, like the role that I've taken throughout my life. But what is really, really profound for me is shortly before, like, literally the last time I saw my father alive, he was traveling and he was at the airport and he was telling me about, like, the responsibility that I had as the only one who was born in the United States, the land of opportunity, where great things happen. And that was the last thing I heard from him. He said, there's a treaty that I'm the only one who has access to and as the only one who has access to my responsibility. It's like he. I'm going to climb that feet, because I climb it. And the goal is to, to pluck the fruit and pass it down to the rest of the family because. So I'm just kind of like a connector. Right. And do you. I don't know if you remember when we first met, that was the point of you said to me. And that was not without. I can say it now because I've been so loyal to them. I couldn't see it. But through the years with the attention I think they were, each one of them was almost like trying to get me to pull me to honor their side. So they were like. I heard like stories about my, my coming into this world in this body from their different versions of like what they wanted me to honor. And see, so the story goes, is that like when my mom got pregnant with me, she wanted to, to abort and my dad said no. But the context, the person who told me this obviously is going to tell me in his way. So he like there was something about it that like, yes, he, he like it. It took something from me that day, but it also like left me with a question of like if she didn't really want me to be here, why am I like, so how am I alive in that? How So I was loyal to her emotionally, I think, and I was loyal to him because like that's my source. So like I held it, but I didn't know how deeply I held it until I had to live on my own. And I realized that like there was some anger about like why would my mom want to get rid of me? And also look at how much of a blessing that actual birth allowing me to come forward has brought to the family. But then I always also felt responsible for like everybody's well being because of this pressure and they. And each traumatic experience that I've had which brings me to where I like, I think I lost most of everything is I was, I think it was just going to give me away. Might as well just share it. I was in and see how I'm struggling to say it because this is something that I've really struggled to share since the experience. So I was pregnant in the Sandy Hook. I was working in the Sandy Hook school here in Connecticut, a new town before when the shooting happened and like had a sort of kind of a weird experience that day. Everything that led to the, the, the actual experience that I was very like conscious of, but I also felt like I was lifted off the. Like I was like carried by something and I happened to kind of be looking downward at like what was happening. It was like an out of body and I think my soul like something about like, like a resource. Like, because I was really like really close to like, really like there was a few delays that happened that actually that's why I said it's gonna. Like, this is gonna just help me. Amy Babish: Because, like, Leanne are using a pseudonym. Leanne: This is just gonna help me. But it's. But it's okay because it's part of the. That's really what Drew. There's something here for somebody, and so it has to be told. I'm just flowing with what wants to come out. And I think that's kind of when in my soul. I didn't realize it then and I didn't learn it then, but, like, it's almost like something took me, like, picked me up. But I've been there. I've been there since. And I don't think I ever. Like, that thing is still holding me, and I'm still asking the thing to hold me. And I still don't know particularly what it is, but that's what I'm for. But you don't know that for sure. But somehow our communication when you said, hey, is this. And I was like, something wants to reveal. Like, a resource wants to reveal itself for me and really check and find out. Do you really. Are you really ready to. Because we've been holding this thing that picked me up. It's like, are you really ready? And what I didn't share is when. When we had this connection that those few magical days, you told me this when I had a big. And that was the first time I ever. Because every time I asked for a constellation, there was a managing of the something that wants to come out, but it's not like it's somehow it's not released. And one time I tried, there was like, there was a holding. Even the person that was representing me was like, like, like stood in the middle of the room and was like, it seems like, wow, you're really good at this balancing. But like, as they were ending, the constellation, because it can be really, really small, somebody that, like, I didn't know just burst out. Like, the room was quiet. And that's the energy that I. That I receive. It's kind of like, okay, it's too much for people to handle. So I like, oh, I have to release it where it can be held. And so that's the Sandy Hook experiences. Like, so it's like that release, that holding has not been able to find a place where it can go. Okay, it's safe now. And that has affected my. Even my, like, you know, internal system and my stress response. Like, I've always. I used to be really great about sleep. I didn't joke about my sleep. I was like, and now hardly. Can I Sleep without medication. And so there's something that just picked me up that day. And I've been trying. Like I didn't know, but I've just been following the prompts of like. Like. Like, we want to release, but we want to make sure this thing that is holding me. I want to make sure that you're okay and safe to. To. To land. And every attempt I'm like, okay, this is it. And it's like, no, like. Like, so then I hold it back. So this burst like this lady just. I mean, nobody understood and nobody asked her why she was you. But I. She didn't even know why she was screaming. But there was something about it that I was like, no, I didn't because she was apologizing. I said, no, no, no. Like there's something there that like, resonated, but I still don't know what it is. And again, this is constellation work, right? Like it felt like my now with more understanding. Like that's my inner child. It's like. Like I wanted it. I wanted like, what's the release of right? But it's just. And then me, the present person was like, not safe. Not safe. Like, I just keep one wanting to be held by this thing. But I lost myself in this. In this being held. And a part of me which is my. I know it's my soul. My natural is like, okay, but we need to get back to you. Like, how do you. So when we met, I had this experience when you said you kept me. You represented. I remember you felt it and you said it to me. And it just resonated when you said you're representing my tribe and you made sure that I stayed. You put me in there and I was making sure that I stayed there and I survived and I felt it. Leanne: You may not have seen it, but there was something that just landed for me. So a few days later you had known. Oh, I'm not trying to bring like mineral and you can tell or constellations and really you like doing a spring. A big would bring the whole grade constellation. You take all your representations. But as soon as your transition told me to go and stand by the door, so. Leanne: So it was something about like my own. Leanne: My own. Leanne: Like my own secret was like. Like something moved me to be like. Leanne: Well, maybe just like safety here. Leanne: What we were working with. It's like it felt like okay resonance. So I was like, okay, I was at the door. I just found a movement somehow more constellation, you know, because that's the way it goes. That's the Way mine went. But like my whole movement wasn't in my big constellation. Even though it was like big and expensive, right? But it felt like it still kept feeling incomplete. For in your constellation, like, again, it was like big thing that was like the whole entire. These are like, I guess holders, like somehow were held somehow mystically. And in that big constellation had even ended. Your constellation had sort of kind of ended. And we were like finishing. And I walked towards like I was beating a drum and. And somebody comes to me who represented something in my. My. My glory, which was what my intention was. When I asked for an intention, came to me and said, beat the drum with intention. And I was like, well, I never heard that before. I was just beating the drums and. Amy Babish: And. Leanne: But that also landed, right. That's my soul saying, like, we're still. Leanne: Carried away with the whole thing, which. Leanne: My typical nature, right? So, like, it's like, like, like there's something here for you. And I remember walking into the room that day not even knowing it was your constellation, but it felt like I was walking into. Like I said it. I. I entered, you were in front. There were people like, it's almost like you guys were lying up. And I was like, oh, I feel like we're going into like a procession right now, right? And there was already something again pre film. And so at the end of your constellation where like something that you were. You were working on was going to like it. Like it was finding its end at the end. Like it was at the altar, the space that was the altar. Like somebody that would represented forgiveness in my. In my own represent. Big representation was there representing and kind of doing like a plan to. To what. What you were resting that day. And when I heard the message beat with intention, somehow I went to. I was beaten. And it got really, really, like, intense. And then I. When I got to the altar, I stopped and I put. And I haven't shared this. I'm sharing this with you because it, like, it might be like, helpful to you. I don't know. But. And I. When I got there to the altar, I saw the person that was representing forgiveness in my constellations. And I. And I. Something just said, put the drum down and go join her on the altar. And that was behind everything was in front of us. Like, like the big. The big. Which is always my experience in constellation work. It like happens in a. Like, it happens in the. Like nobody ever sees it. Like. So it's like what I'm talking about. By my release, people are like, huh? Why? What are you talking about? What are you talking about? Right? It's kind of. I'm like, no, you don't understand. Leanne: It was very intense. Leanne: And you're like. And then there's this feeling of like, it's not about you. But I'm like, I know it's not about me, but I got something from it. So, like, something just said, go join her. And I went to the altar, and this person that is, like, trying to kind of rest the person or to kind of, like, do like, some kind of thing, and the person kind of like, is calling my attention to them. And I bent down and I leaned into. Into. Into what the person was saying. And the person said to me. And so I'm giving permission to say the name. Amy Babish: You have permission. Leanne: And the person said, I feel like. I feel like I'm holding the soul. I feel like Adam Lanza's soul. And I'm begging and I'm begging. Leanne: And I looked at, you know, we had these ties and lanyards that we wear wearing representations. And because I'm so used to checking, is this real or is this my. This person wasn't married on the lanyard. It's like, bring water. Like, at least that I don't think I cried when my. Like, away from his funerals. So I mean, like, something like, again, like, the law. And I never could talk about it. Like, I've been asked to do interviews, like, to shoot. Leanne: Like, there's just something like, I even. Leanne: Left working to the new building. I still haven't gone in there because, like, something was telling me, to hold Adam Lanza's soul. Like, to walk, give it a place of grace. Because it was the strong feeling of, like, everybody. And I always remember my mom's this even the worst child in the world. Like, like, I want really. I cannot find a place to change. You know, I'm so. So I. I love it. So it led me to. I was in grad school when it happened, but it led me to land my job, the job that I did. So, like, hank hairs until 2020. It's like I did crisis work. And I feel like that was very. Like, I had so much grace to hold. Like, people who were struggling, you know, like, who felt like other like. Or like, which is kind of the work that I was doing. And I got, you know, how the behavior therapists when it happens. So there's like, you know, like, these incidents, like, even led me to that. Leanne: To that place. Leanne: But, like, I was like. I felt like I. Someone needed to close, so let me know that he Wasn't that they were. He wasn't allowed to bury him. The cemetery wasn't. Which. In honor of the families who had been children. Like, someone is. Someone needed to help it. So that experience in your constellation was like. Like, it was like a release because of what the person was representing in your constellation and what the person was also telling me was like, oh, hi. Right. The guns. It was tied into that representation. And all she said to me was, I feel like representing. So how I found myself back there in this big room of how many people? And I made my way to this water corner. Behind there was like a big old table. Leanne: Like, the table was like the one that I sent to you on breakfast. Leanne: And like, behind this table is where I'm like, this little thing. Because, like, this big thing where, like, there was this big rush of like. Like. Like just emotion that I. I've held all these years. Like, I mean, like, I had a place to land, you know, and it was like, finally, it's like, you know, like, it's like part of, like, okay, now you're a theater in that. Leanne: And so it was like. Leanne: That was so opening. Opening for me. Leanne: And. Leanne: And. Leanne: And it's like. Leanne: And that morning I woke up, there was music. And there's a particular song that kept coming on, like, in my mind. Leanne: It's like, God loves people more than anything, but just like an old song more than anything. Leanne: He wants them to know you rather. Leanne: Die than let them go. Leanne: More than anything. That morning I was the sword. And I thought, why? Why? I haven't sang this song. I haven't heard it in a while. Leanne: So me the biggest part of my resource, by the way. So music is what drove me to this work. And so I just felt like. And then after that, I went. I took a shower and I was like, sobbing in the shower, like, that released. And then when I came out, another new song that I never heard before, like, made me look at the mountain. Leanne: And made me look. Leanne: And it was just kind of like. And the person that was representing music was sitting right there. Didn't even know what my experience was, right? Just sitting at a bench right there, holding the space without her even knowing. Maybe now she doesn't know and she's following you. But I was looking at the mountain and a song came up, and it's like, God on the mountain is still the God in the valley, right? So there's all this movement that is like, you're going in the right direction. So up until. And I got. Because I know it's Long winded. But I feel like maybe there's something that made the connection and something that needs to be shared here. Like, so I'm aware that I'm telling a story, but I'm also aware that I've never been. I've never had almost like, either the spirit permission or the. Like, just even the. The holding. The permission to hold. Leanne: Like, who can I. Leanne: Who can I share this with in a way that they can. They have the capacity to hold, Right? So, like, it's. And maybe because there might be somebody who's going to tune into this and listen to it and. And it's. It's going to stare their heart one way or the other. So I'm doing it in service to me, but I'm also doing it in service of the greater work that you're doing, which I truly honor and devote to you now for. For what you've held for me since we met without even knowing how much you've held. Because I never shared this. I never shared this with you. I never, like, I just kind of was following the crumbs of whatever was kind of like, leading, which is constellation work, really. Just have the beauty of now I'm going into the magic, and the part of this work is magical, and you see how, like, it's like, okay, let me get it together. Like, whatever is in your purpose, but, like, stay on. Stay on track. And also this kind of like, disconnectedness and scatteredness in my brain also felt like, really, that's kind of when it started. But it was really more intense in 2020 during the pandemic, where there was nowhere, no outlet, and I had to really. I say it, and I say it very. So this is another time I'm going to share it publicly, and it's going to sound off, but the pandemic saved my life because, you know, I, like, since the shooting, I was just, go, go, go. I mean, I was literally, like, at the peak of everything that I thought I wanted and I needed. And the pandemic happened and everything stopped, and I had to tune in. And it felt like clutter in my brain. Like, everything that I was putting together, like, I felt like. I remember waking up in the middle of the night one night, and I. And I said to, like, I. I told my husband I was like, I feel like a hoarder. Like, my brain inside, my brain feels like I'm hoarding. And I'd, like, somehow, like, I'm tired of clothing because, you know, I was a crisis clinician. And so during the pandemic we still were not recognized as. What is it, what they call them? Essential workers. Like, because we're not nurses or doctors. But we were going out in like really intense periods where people like, there was a lot, which I'm not going to go into that we were holding, but nobody was holding us. So like crisis work has a lot of this also. It was in holding the Adam Lanza's soul and spirit and kind of like, how can we. Because my mind was always like, how can we prevent? What can we do to prevent like another. But that even felt, well, hopeless because, you know, I felt like re. Like I would. I would get messages from people saying don't watch the TV today. Or like stay away from the TV today. Because it's like there's like a re. Traumatizing. So even when I was holding and working, it felt like overwhelming to like try to heal this. And it's like. But I couldn't drop the intention of like. But there is like, there has to be that in this human, in our humanity. Leanne: There has to be a place, right? Leanne: And. Leanne: But. Leanne: But in that holding that intention, I was also running away from it because it was too overwhelming. But I was, I was, I was masking it with my business. Like, I was. When I tell you I was an ace clinician, I was. I would go out, I would take any alcohol, like, or anybody can't do it. I got it. Like, I was like in it, right? But I didn't realize that it was an escape until the pandemic happened. I thought it was like a quick two week thing. And when I went to realize that paperwork that I would like, usually, I was so quick with it. It took me literally like, like less than an hour to put in work that like people would struggle to put. I would even help people I was supervising then. Like, I would help people with their writing and stuff. Like, I was so efficient and something that usually would take me 15 minutes to do. During the pandemic when, when it took me two weeks, I really got written up because like, like, like I literally like even like I would open the computer and I just couldn't. My brain just looked like, no, no. So like then became like, I got really, really anxious and that's when I got diagnosed with. With like adhd. And I actually went on medication because I could not bring myself to. To like, to. Leanne: To. Leanne: To ground myself to like, like something that was so easy for me to do. I did well in school. All of that, like never was a struggle. Even this feeling of belonging like I was like, okay, like, if that's what you need from me, I'm just gonna keep giving, giving, giving. But something about 2020 was like, you're a shell. Your show. You're not. Like, you're so far from your mark and what your purpose is, and. And, like, you need to come back home. You need to come back to you. So, like, then I started seeing even, like, and then we had to watch all the shoot, like, live televised. And then I, like, Then the panic set in. Right. Because there was nowhere else to transfer it to. And doing work that I said I was doing in the world, I did the air code. So I. I had to face it. And I got into this. I got really anxious because I was fine, and I got really anxious, and I. And I. In my anxiety and my fear. Leanne: The setting should have happened 10 days before my daughter started. I'm sorry. I said, Christ. Leanne: My trauma. That's why. Leanne: I think maybe that's why I had a past to hold Adam Lanza. My trauma was like, Adam is put back dramatically, usually after these four times. It came like, nobody sees, right? So. Leanne: My trauma wasn't Adam Lanza because I heard. I was in the hallway when he entered the building, and I ran behind, and I wasn't sure what I was hearing, but I went into the art. Leanne: Room. Leanne: And the art teacher, whose name frowns with the weapon, I said, I think there's a shooter in the building. And it's almost like she didn't believe me. And I was like, I think there's a shooter in the building. And she actually went outside of the room to lock the doors. And I was like, what is wrong with her? So we went into this tiny storeroom in the art room, and I was sitting on the floor, and I had. This student with me. Very unpredictable. And I. Like, I was. But there was just something different that day. Same diagnosis. I was. I was. It was very different that day. This was so, like, quiet and so, like. Like, I was like. Because I'm sitting with the panic. And we, like, you know, like, I mean, I don't want to traumatize anybody, but my trauma that day was when the police came. I didn't know. And the teacher was afraid to go out. We were in. The whole. Kids were in a little storeroom inside. And I didn't know if the threat had been neutralized or anything. Yeah, this is really a doing process because I've never shared. Leanne: Your savior. Amy Babish: Take your time. Yeah. Yeah. Leanne: Like, I know. I know it's a lot, but. But I Think it's. It needs to happen for. Amy Babish: I don't think maybe somebody does, but that's not me. Leanne: Okay. Yeah. Thank you. Leanne: Because. Leanne: And I feel it. Thank you for holding. I didn't know it was the police, and I didn't know. And this is before I got lifted up just to share, because the lifting up happened in the firehouse after, like, when the teachers were counting, like, something just took me away from that. And I remember, like, I was like, okay, we need to leave this place. I felt like I was there for hours, but it wasn't really hours. But, you know, like, you're in a trauma thing. It was like I was in, like, active fight or fight mode. But I just remember feeling this energy. Like there was a big knock in a. Like a door and a jingling, and I was like, we're going to die here. If I. If somebody, like, nobody knows where in this corner here, because you could look in the classroom and you would see nobody there. And I was like. So I was like. I got up and I was like, it was a gamble. And I opened the storm just to kind of like. And I saw that it was the police. But little did I know I'm going to out myself again because I'm a person of color. And you can look at the demographics in your town. So there was like a not belonging. That was my trauma because there were two police officers in this ride here. And I've never stared into the. What is it? The eyes of a barrel before. And they're like, just huge weapons. There were two of them. They like, I. I don't know who they were because they were masked and I had my hands up. And I was. I'm a teacher. And they wouldn't. They wouldn't, like, who are you? I didn't. And I'm like, I'm a teacher. I'm a teacher, and I cannot sing the name of the art teacher so that maybe she can, you know. And so. And I'm standing there, like, literally, I had to do hypnotic work to realize that that was my trauma. And when we came back, I still couldn't share that because everybody was dealing with the big collective trauma, and I was dealing with an experience only I had. And how do I express it in a way that, like, because I did get some push, like, after a while, it's kind of like, well, you don't even know what it feels like to be. Because you don't live here. I didn't live in the town. I lived outside. So there was another othering Right. And so I almost felt like I didn't even have a right to. There was, like, a. Like, there was a small therapeutic group that was, like, close to the. Like, saw a little more than they needed to see. I think it was like, 13 of us. 13 is big because I said it. And I just realized now, like, okay. That we would talk, but I couldn't share that because I was the only one in that experience. I just kept feeling like, nobody's gonna. Like, nobody can understand. And. And maybe that's why I took on Adam Lanzer, too, because it's like, could you understand this loneliness in. In. In. In his experience before, like, his mom even made again, the mom made the decision to. To. To. To. To get him, like, something that he connected with. Right. So that was kind of the grace that I was holding. But that day was the first time I stared into the barrels of a gun, and I couldn't. And. And I couldn't get them to accept my belonging. Because somehow I didn't belong, even though I belonged, you know? And it took a while, like. And I'm standing there. I can't say. And I felt like I couldn't turn back either, because I felt like turning might get me killed. And so I stood there with my hands up, and I'm like, I'm a teacher. Leanne: I'm a teacher. And I'm trying to tell her it's a police without saying her name because. Her name. Amy Babish: Yes. Leanne: You know, like. You know, that's not the first student experience of, like, somebody of color trying to. So there was a deep panic for. Leanne: Me. Leanne: But somehow she came out, and what I remember was there were no questions asked. Yeah, that actually felt like a human movement. There were no questions. Leanne: And when she comes out and she. Leanne: Said, yes, and they're like, okay, come. Leanne: On, it's the police. Like, and really, that happened, like, in, like. Like two seconds or three seconds. But I had time too late because that was very limited. When we got to the firehouse, it was a lot. But, like, even before they made the. Leanne: Count, I know, because I had items. I strongly believe I was one of the last. Leanne: Because when they shooted across right in the hallway, I saw her come out of the room, and she looked towards where I was on one end of it, and, like, kind of like, I was like, no, it's right here. Like, whatever she heard to come out. So that's, like, if there are any casualties. I was so sure. Leanne: I was so sure. Leanne: Like, she was the first. But. But after sharing that, I think it Was too much. Leanne: Yeah. And that was when, like, it was. Leanne: Like, I felt like the experience from. Leanne: There was like I needed to be. Leanne: Taken out, because it was a lot and I haven't returned. But then just sort of right before I went, like, there's this. I don't know what a soul ritual is, but. And I remember, like, we went to home Homestead and felt like the right place to let his soul find rest. And so I took the rubber ducky in representation. So, like, can you find rest? And when we left right before first initial meeting, too, I felt like withdrawals. Leanne: I didn't drive. Leanne: My friend drove. Leanne: And so when we got to Newtown. Leanne: I was like, you know, like, you. Leanne: Know, there's no way through that going to where we went without going through. From where I live, without going through Newtown. And when we passed the flagpole, which is right in the middle of the town in Newtown, it's like a big. I told her, I said, can you. I know where the cemetery is where a lot of the kids were buried. Leanne: So we went. We drove by there. And I just thought, you don't even need to really stand. Just, like, open the windows. So he has a right to fly. I don't know where your brain was. Never ended. So I put, like, even some I think is also part of me that was like, innocent. As hard as him was innocent, but made into a. We drove there, and I almost gave it also to the kids who were parents there and kind of like, can you guys just praise angels? And so days before you went to you, you sent me that message. I was in a personal class. I told, but in a different way. So that's why when you. When you shared, when you share with me, it just. It connected. It's like something in the spirit world that was like, we've been holding you. You're doing a work, right? So I told her, I went out. Leanne: There and already shared all the things. Leanne: That. Leanne: Was. Leanne: Showing me. Leanne: So when we went and I left the duckies and I was. I did a bone reading, which is a bone throw in. And that was the first time I ever did anything like that. And as I was walking out, as I got up at the end of it, I was walking out, and an ankle bracelet I wore on my right foot, which is the only day I wore it. We were there for over a week already. And that day I just wore it. I was like, I'm just going to wear it today. Leanne: And as I was sleeping, it came off, it fell off. And it was kind of like the whole Radio was like, you have that. You were gifted ancestrally, but you also have your own gift that you can guard, which is the journey. So see, I said, when we started, my attention was like healing. Leanne: And I said, standing in my fullness. To stand in my fullness. So can you see how like even. Leanne: The story I'm telling you, it's part of the journey? Leanne: Because it's like I didn't know, but there was a reaction when the thing fell. And so I was trying to ask them, what does it? Like, what is it? And they wouldn't tell me. And I said, well, what do I do now? This thing that fell? Because I didn't. Leanne: It was it. Leanne: And it's like, whatever you want to do. And I said, well, since it came off, it probably wants to stay here. I said it in just joking, like, you know, like just offhanded way. So I picked it up and I put it on the altar. So prior to then, I was. I saw myself as this, like. And that's part of what you shared with me, that I was feeling my ancestral realm. Like my grandmother's actual name, the meaning of her name is literally elephant. And like there were just so many, like when you. And also my mom is connected to like her ancestry, her. My mom's great grandfather. So my great great grandfather was a healer and he. He was a water healer. Can you see the connection? And so the day you sent me that message was also when we received message from the people in South Africa receiving as the host. And it sent a picture of like elephants, like in water, like the ocean of St. Lucia, where we ended the whole, the whole trip, which was. There was a big healing movement there. So it's like you said it that day and I went for a walk in the water were like so alive. It was like churning, right? And the songs that came up, like, so all of my resources were like, yeah. So it was kind of like just that message from you where I was kind of starting to doubt, like, okay, like, what is this? Like, I was feeling this kind of like this othering again. And. But then wrong message. I told you, I said there's something you don't even know. But like everything that you said was like, how did she know that? Because I never shared that with her. And I. And I. And I said with you while I was there, like, like the welcoming was like spot on. So it was kind of like, so this were the crumbs that I was like, keep going, keep going, keep moving forward. Right up until when you talked to me. About this, right? It was kind of like just when I was like, okay, even, like, in this movement of, like, coming out in my fullness as I'm doing this healing journey by just, like, this. This step. But then to get to this step, this. You. There's another layer that maybe you're ready to receive it now. And so it just uncovered itself in that. And so when I left the ankle bracelet there, I walked out. But it felt like those. There was something about it, that it was the right thing to do. And so. But there was some part of our tour guide. Was she also, like, she does this work. So I asked her after what was it about? Like, I noticed everybody because the person who did my room throwing reading was what. Like, he got the attention of the main gogo who did the. And I was like, she didn't see anything. So I was like, there was something there. So I asked the lady. She's like, well, where did you get the ankle bracelet from? And I said, I got it from. I brought it with me. And she's like, well, what foot did it come out of? And I said, my right. I said, I put it on my right foot. And she's like, okay, did you make it or did you buy it? I said, I bought it. But I also feel like. Like, it was one of these Poshmark that. Now I'm seeing Poshmark. Right before I entered the session with you, I got the porchmark in months because I'm turning to do my, like, some financial responsibility, but from Poshmark. So this is such a. I think it is true, like, because I was. Leanne: Like, I don't think I bought it. Leanne: Like, it was one of those gifts that, like, people would add to, like, something you purchase as a gift. So. But. But it was a gift to me and liked it. I like the colors on it. And. And this picture, like, you can see me if you look. If you can see me. It has, like, the kente fabric, which is where I put the backdrop of my vision board for 2025. It had the colors of the. I wish I took a picture. It had the. The. The. The ankle bracelet was all of that, like, the colors. And so I was in South Africa, and I was like, I'm going to do the South African thing, right? Don't forget also the. The. The. There was a portrait that you shared. And it. I circled a few things that I was like, oh, my gosh. When Penny read it, and, oh, my gosh, the number. Like, the number of the people and, like, the tie into to. And this is before the trip. And so when the ankle bracelet fell off and she explained to me, she said, that's because something that is resourcing you wants you to say. And because it's your last deal for your right foot, you're stepping into something. You're stepping into something new. And they're taking this. It's like they're taking it back from you, like, this movement. You don't need to carry this with you. And so they didn't tell me. I made the right decision to feel like. It felt like I needed to. Like, there was a request to leave it there. And so I did. I put it. I put it there. And then later she. I asked her and she told me, and I was like, okay. Like, that felt right. I felt like. And then I saw myself for the first time as like, the person. Like, I was kind of behind the water and the elephant. And, like, clearly it became clear that's not who I am. Right? Like, and. And. And like. And magic. It's been magic. Like, I ru. Took all day. If I tell you all the magic that has happened since that day you told me little crumbs were happening, but, like, since the day you told me and I went, my entire South African trip was, like, magical. That's the only word I can use to describe it just yet. I think I'm still integrating all the pieces, which I think is going to reverberate for years to come. But the return has been like, literally every waking moment I open my eyes, and I'm opening my eyes to magic. But now the issue has been that it's not very overwhelming. Oh, and I had. This is a soul retrieval. I forgot that at the airport. Leanne: We. Leanne: Put our names in the hat. And I wasn't sure I wanted to do a constellation because I didn't want it to be focused on me. This is how we erase self erasure. I'm so used to it. Leanne: So. Leanne: But something just said, write your name and put it in there, would you? So, like, I literally even consulted with people. I'm like, should I put my name in the thing? And they're like, well, if you run. Leanne: Out of code, just put it, you. Leanne: Know, like, it's drawing it out of a hat. So, like, if it's supposed to be. And this is me that always use the slogan, everything is significant in constellations work. Right? So it's like, if it's supposed to happen, it would happen. Why don't you just trust? Which is what I was told in the book sermon, you need to Start trusting that in our. In our intuition. So I. Which I do believe every. Every single one of us has if we can. If we can like, trust and. And go deep enough, which is kind of what I'm learning to do so that I can really be. Meet my potential. And I'm looking at my picture here of my future self, what I would want to be in my fullness. And I. I do. Like. So a bunch of people cut their names in a hat and they told her, and my name was the first name. And what is beautiful about that confirmation is I had a question. What next? And the question was like, now that I had this beautiful experience, what are my next steps? Like, I. Now I'm allowing myself to trust and open this portal. What should I do next? Now, the constellation usually did not give me the exact answer. You got it. But there was. But it just moved me into the next place, which was the person that represented. So here look how funny it is. That first time we met, the person who represented my. The person represented my, you know, the eight. The last day we had the eight person thing where, like people represented twice. So the person who represented my ancestral resources and also represented my grandfather was the person who I picked to represent my father in this airport constellation. That happened to be my name, right? And I remember what he told me the last day when he was representing my ancestral resource. He said to me, just gonna connect to you again. Because when I. When I went into the ancestral, I was gonna, like, in my culture, just a lot of respect for the elders. So I was gonna kneel down for a blessing. So I started to kneel down and I said, I want a blessing. And he picked me up. Leanne: I was so overwhelmed, right? He said, you don't need any more blessings. You know what? And just know that you don't need to do anything. You don't need to do anything. It's just rightfully yours. Like, it's your heritage and you are going to be just yours. And Marion said during the course of the next few years, the reason why it hasn't been revealed to me is because if it was, it would have been 12:1, right? So that's like what have been walking with me. And amen. Leanne: And. And. Leanne: And he said through the course of the years, I should pay close attention if he's gonna start revealing to me the magic Grimmery. I watched a wicked movie, like 14. Like, I was like, my kids were watching another movie. Leanne: I'm like, I'm going, but I'm watching. Leanne: I'm taking notes like, this is my. Leanne: You know, anybody who knows me knows this about me. Like, I'm always like, like all the little D stones. Leanne: Like, it's just something about like just teaching for me. Leanne: And so it was kind of like a Grimmery. Like they've been holding. That's what it felt like. They've been holding this, this, this magic book almost. And it's like through the course of years, they're going to start revealing it to me. And you're not going to reveal it all at once, but they're going to be revealing it. And the goal is that I'm going to teach it once I, like, the goal is like, there's a remembrance that I'm like, I'm supposed to honor. That's the call. Can you see how it's connected to. To you and how like when I'm losing hope, like, you show up and you're like, oh, remember, like, so that's the tribal part that also is like kind of like lately the agitation in my spirit is this cultural thing we're inside of, which is part of it also for me, part of what I've been holding also all my life. And this feeling of love in my name, the very essence of my name means all of that, right? And not knowing any of that stuff. My numerology number, which I just found out is eight. So it's like the olden and like. But I'm trying to find the middle, like, where's the center? Because I need to center myself. And just when I was questioned that and I was like, this is all a lot and I appreciate it, I love it. And I guess I said, I said gave permission to open the portals and I want to be with all of it. But like a little kid, I'm feeling overwhelmed by all of it. Leanne: So can you help me find center? Leanne: And just when I was questioned that you communicated with me and that's why I said, your timing is spot on. Can you see what I mean? Like, about like. So if you see I've been in this wild place trying to organize my space and it's just not landing. But in the this week alone, like since Sunday, which I, like, I told you I was like very, like my. My phone was very active. I was like, it felt like the bottom had fallen out and it just felt like again, overwhelming. But then there was the magic and I started to panic that I've lost it because all the messaging that I've been receiving. And so I had the reassurance that when. So we. We talked Prior and I had the reassurance that like, there's something deeper. And there's some things that you just said randomly that made me like, go look, you know, like, and which like, revealed the land that I live on and, and, and. And kind of like again, what I'm holding and what the culture we're in, it's like now is the time for all of that. Like, so whatever that thing is that has been protecting me, that cocoon is like, man, it's time for you to like, birth this thing. Let's go. Right, like it's, it's time to. Leanne: To. Leanne: To like, to birth this thing because this is the time for it. And prior to this, a week ago, like, somebody like, was represented for me and went all the way back several generations and says, like, when I had this thing, it wasn't ready to be seen and people are not ready to receive it, which has come up in my field a lot. And so it's kind of like feels like the right time. So that person was felt ahead of their time. And this is an ancestor I never met. I don't even know the story of. And both my maternal and paternal grandpas were orphans, so I don't really know, like their lineage. Like, it cannot be. Like, I can't trace it too far back. So there's something else that is holding resource in me that I've never even known, but I've always been afraid of. Like, like how, like, is it. Is this a resource or. Or a resistance or a shadow? Is this a resource or a shadow? So since we had this conversation like this like just random videos of YouTuber coming up from beyond, like that deep. And it's like, okay, now your journey is to. To find yourself. Your journey is to work on because of who you stand here. Like, and I'm just like empath. Like, I didn't even know I was an empath until not too long ago. Right. It just fold I the capacity to hold, but I don't have anyone to hold for me, which ends up affecting my relationships. Right. And so, so that's all part of like this feeling like the bottom has everybody. But that's because it's your. Like, the field is like you're ready and I know you feel scared, but do it anyway. And so like, I'm. I'm. I'm leaning in. It feels like it's like all like. But there's a lot of like, also doubt. But I'm. But I'm leaning into it because there's so much in There that I can trust that it's like I'm being held. And this morning when I woke up, the first. The first thing that came up because I wanted things to be revealed to me in my dream, like, because that's when my body, like, my body's open to receive without the resistance. Memory. The memory of the parts like my. My lineage, like my journey, like all the. The lives that I hold underneath me. This film, this is a lot, but it's. It's not even scratching the layer of all the. The things, like, all the examples that I could give. But I, Like, I. I feel like what I'm saying needs to be said and this is the place to say it. So I don't know if it's like a lucky thing you or is it. Is it. Is it a lucky thing for me or is it a lucky thing for your honesty, or is it bs? But I'm trusting that, like, whatever needs to be said is said here and there's a reason for it. And I'm just following the movement and. And I just looked at your rock, the thing, like, again that you. You told me about. So, again, that's kind of like, lately. Get back intro. Like, we need to get somewhere here. So I just. Yesterday when we had class, I had an experience and it revealed something really deep for me. But then we. We did the breakout sessions and I got a reconfirmation of like, no, you're not. You're not. You're not dreaming this. Like, this is part of the movement. So hold it. And so when I went to sleep, I was like, I just want dreams. Like, can you reveal to me through dreams? Like, what am I doing here? Like, and what am I like? And then when I. First thing happened this morning was like a sheet I had written a while ago, like, months ago in this. Through this course. And it was something about, like, Mishos, the teacher. You know, my business has taken a hit while I'm in this journey because it's like, there's like, something about, like, I need to heal so that I can bring the medicine forth. So, like, to, like. I opened my journal. This thing has been following me everywhere. It's just folded it because I always write notes and everything. And so, like, it just opened it and it was reminding me that the teacher. The students will come when the teacher is ready. Right? And. And also there's a part of it that is like you. There's. You're deeply resourced and you're held. And in my dream, what was like, there was A spiral which is like a, like a, like a circular thing. And, and what I reported in my dream was it's not lineal. It's not. I'm looking for linear. And, and, and it's not linear. And I will never get to where I need to get to if I'm looking at a linear. I literally wrote it in my, my dream journal. I, and I was like, okay, so that's why I sent your message this morning. I said I'm prefilled and I told you what happened before my, before this session. Like I had a client which I always. Like I'm in the session like longer than I need to because I'm. This is my olden, right? And, and like my body literally there was like an explosion in my solar plexus that was like no, no, no, like, like you need to, like you need to have, you need to end this session so you can have at least 15 minutes to, to, to do this practice that I just found out on Sunday of how to drown, like learning how to ground myself. Like the three things like go out in nature, like just walk in nature. And I felt the resource of the sun was just shining really bright, like kind of like that, like you needed to do this. And I had this rock that was like pulling me to ground myself. I got my water, I didn't even drink it since I've been here. I got all my things that I needed to get. Like what are my resources? Like whatever, like my ancestors, like what is like, like, like be ready. Like, and, and now you know, you know how I am. I'm never on time for nothing in this world. But I was ready for this one. And that's because it was kind of like do the three things which I forgot about the expansion and the contraction, which was the first one that I learned. And in my session like I was kind of like talking about this new realization and how I'm pre filled to this thing. And, and I couldn't find where I wrote the three things even though I wrote it in real capital letter. Like I saw it later and my therapist just said, why don't, like why don't you just pause in this moment and feel what your your like, like maybe you'll be able to feel what that third thing was. So one of them was like five minutes in nature without music, without any disruption, just be in nature. The other one was to journal, which I, I or I did this morning. And so I couldn't remember the third one. Right. And so when he said, well, just Feel it for you. And this is not like a therapist that does constellation. And I was like, oh, you know, like, you know, I just want to kind of ground myself on pause. And I. And. And so then he was like, yeah, there's something about expansion and, and, and contraction. And I was like, yeah, like, do feed what nourishes me or whatever, like talking about this thing. And as he was explaining it to me, it was right there in the page. The second to the last page in three things to him. And that was the first one. And I forgot it. And I said, I'm so thankful that we had this session because this is also information that, hey, like, trust. Because when I went to bed last night, there was like a little shakiness about it. And it was also kind of like, trust the movement. We got you. You're held. I saw two moths, the wide weight moths, like middle of the night last night. That's actually why I opened myself up to journaling and I looked at their. Like, this are all the spiritual connections that we get it. And they were ancestral, like past ancestors, like, supported. Showing you that. Amy Babish: Is it. Okay, we take a pause. Leanne: Yeah, take some water. Leanne: I'm going to take some water. Leanne: Yeah. Amy Babish: So I have. Leanne: I have. Amy Babish: I have a couple thoughts. Is it okay if I weave together some context? Because I think some people probably on the edge of their seat, and I know you're soul is too, so I'm like, I don't know even where to begin. So the first one is Leanne and I are in a constellation training together. And she calls it the course. I call it a process, a train. So we met in person in November of 2024, and we are November 7th. November 7th. I'm joking on that one, to be specific. And our Cohort is over 60 people, and it feels important to name that my constellation. I brought an intention that was quite big. And my intention was to dismantle the misogyny lives in my family. And also the intersection of racism and capitalism. That was fucking things up in my business and in my life. And it's not just for me, but it's for the collective. And I brought it. My body raised its hand and I was sweating half to death because we had been through a big process the night before as a group. That was very complicated. Leanne: And it. Amy Babish: And it was, as we would say in constellation work, there were good intentions. It was about racism and my business and my life kind of sit at the intersection of that. So my body was like, we gotta work on this as a group. So it was really uncomfortable for me. And the constellation was Leanne, and I had really big constellations. The constellations are not always this big, but they were probably like 40 to 50 people in each of them. And so if you're listening and you're like, oh, my gosh, I could never go to a consolation with Amy or Leanne. Our groups are not that big at this point. Um, and even when I was facilitating in South Africa, the Cohort, there was 26 people plus me. Our biggest constellation was maybe maybe 16 people. So just. Just to slow the roll a little bit. So it feels important to name, to kind of weave. Weave a thread for the listeners that the way that we are trained to do constellations is not traditional. So in a traditional constellation, you're really working with an intention, same way, but you're working with mom, dad, maybe grandparents, maybe great grandparents, maybe the land, maybe a business. But it doesn't go deep and wide. And part of the gift of the way that we do constellations that we were, you know, gifted into this lineage with our mentors, is that we really go to the root of things. And so I am someone in my practice before I met them. I am someone who goes to the root of things. And I. One of my superpowers is nothing is omitted. And so I am a nothing omitted kind of person. And so you can hear Leanne. That is really important. We are. We've been in the constellation. We've been in leanne's constellation since November 7th of 2024. Today is June 25th. It's the cancer new moon, and it's the window of Jupiter, Cazimi, which is the luckiest day of the whole year, this year. So lots of medicine, lots of magic. And for those of you who don't know me, I'm a prolific tracker, and I want to help you to understand as the listeners, but also for Leanne's field. Leanne's a great tracker. She's a prolific tracker. But for those of you who are. Leanne: Like, how the hell is. Leanne: No. Amy Babish: In my constellation, the person who represented. I think she represented misogyny. Leanne: Misogyny, yeah. Leanne: That's the point. Leanne: Yeah. Amy Babish: So when you do an alchemical constellation, we don't just, like, thud. Misogyny gets returned back to the ancestor where this started. And in my lineage, it's old and it's deep as it is in. We don't just say, hey, dad, this lives with you, or, hey, grandpa, this lives with you, or, hey, Russian ancestors who tortured women. It lives with you. We don't do that. And there's no wrong or bad with doing constellations that way. It just. It's just a different way of doing things. So when we did my constellation at this retreat, the planet Venus came in as a wreck. And so the planet Venus wrapped the love of the universe. That was the alchemical tool that alchemized misogyny. Leanne: Really? See, I didn't even. Amy Babish: Yeah, so. And Leanne as a soul has so much love, so much grace, so much wholeness and love. And so as that rep alchemized their experience of being misogyny, and they were wreaking havoc in the field. And if you don't know what that means, you'll have to comment. Leanne: There was wild. It was wild. Amy Babish: It was wild. So then your representation can morph and alchemize. So this rep started as misogyny after they got the alchemical resource, the love of the universe, through the planet. Then they came up to the front, the future. And so Leanne was the altering leading this. She doesn't know who this rep is. They're laying down altar and the future within my constellation. And I didn't know Leanne in this way. I didn't, I didn't know about Sandy Hook. I didn't know about any of those things. I was in her constellation in another way, her predated mine. Leanne: But I, by two days, I saw. Amy Babish: Leanne weeping over the person that used to be misogyny. I didn't know what happened. And so then one of our mentors, the man, I'm not going to reveal their names, I said, what happened up there? And this was after. He's like, there's so many things in your field, Amy. Like, you just. It's just for another time. So now, full circle. Before our mentors took a cohort of our training group to South Africa, I had already been with my cohort that I had been facilitating for 16 months, where some of you who listen to the podcast know these things. But for those of you who are first time listeners, I facilitate. Part of my business is social impact. Part of my work is equity, social justice. And so I was invited by an accolade of Archbishop Desmond Tutu in South Africa to work with their peace building community, which is mostly majority women. And so I have known this group through different threads since 2020. And this court was meeting in person for the culmination of a 16 month process at the beginning of May 2025. And so in that field, all these things, all these threads and, and layers were coming through about Leanne. And so Leanne is from an African country, even though she was born in America. And I knew this about her, but I don't know, I know some people, I don't want to out out the country that you're from, but I know some people from the country that you're from, but I'm not an expert in the country of your people, of your bloodlineage. So I would just kind of tune in and I would share things with her and was very, I felt the profound connection, I believe her messages and I could feel that her field and my field were kind of co creating things and supporting things within my South African retreat, even though she was physically in America. And I also knew she was to South Africa with our mentors for her own retreat process with part of our cohort. But I was going to come back to America because it was important for me to be with my teenage daughter. So fast forward, I want to keep on staying with your, your code name Leanne comes back and all these things are happening. She's letting me know what's about what's happened to her. And it came through. Leanne: That I had. Amy Babish: Heard her in many different occasions over the past the course of. I know we're at eight months, how. Leanne: Many months that she's like, I've asked. Amy Babish: For help on these things and no one's been able to hold it. And I said, you know, there's no obligation, there's no expectation. I have no attachment to this. I said, but this is one of my superpowers, is taking all these things together. And so that's how we got to where we got to. Leanne: Amen. Amy Babish: That's the first layer, which Leanne already knows about, but this is for the, for the listeners. Now the second part is for Leanne, but I wanted her system to have a second to take a beat because it's been a big, big layer today so far. Leanne: So I didn't even know we're gonna go there, but here we are. Amy Babish: So. So also I want to, I want to share before I go into what I go into next. For those of you considering a constellation process with me, the constellation process starts when you contact me. And so our Leanne's constellation process, even though she didn't officially contact me, her field contacted me. Her field recruited me in her constellation. Leanne: In New York, November 8th November. Amy Babish: So her field knew who I was, knew how I, I could be a go between. And that is how this kind of all started. So it's been building this pre field process had been Going eight months. Then, like, the formal communication, like, do you want to come on my podcast and do a cut? And we talk. We spoke this weekend, kind of our pre chat. A lot of different things came up, but we. We still said, let's start with a constellation. So then today we get on and I pull. I told Leanne that I always pull cards before I do any process because I want to make sure I'm in integrity and that I'm congruent with where we're headed. So I pulled cards before our pre chat this weekend, this past, you know, past week. Leanne: And. And I've never had just so, like, maybe your audience, they need to know you're. You're listening to now. Cards never had a. Never ever. Amy Babish: So. So I pulled them usually very specific to what the intention is and then to what the kind of the process that we're going to be doing. So the cards that I got when we had our pre talk, I think that they've already sorted themselves out. The resource of that card pool was the sun. So we can even hear in Leanne's report what she's sharing with us, that the sun has played a big alchemical role for her. So I feel like you maybe already had, like, a mini constellation without us doing a formal process. And then today I'm going to share the cards after I share what the next layer is. So since you and I started formally talking about, do you want to do a constellation with me? I have genuinely heard, maybe she needs a soul retrieval with you. And then you tell me about the candle, and then you say, in the airport leaving South Africa, you have a soul retrieval. So the way that I do soul retrievals, I can do it through a consolation process, and I can do it through Taoist stone medicine. Leanne: So. Amy Babish: So this is. This is. I. I didn't tell Leanne any of this before we got on. So this is like, no, I'm. Leanne: Yeah, so. And you can say. Amy Babish: You can say, heck, no, Amy. We're gonna see how it goes. Leanne: No, I. I'm gonna share with you that I also just recently bought a. A book, particularly because I've been, like, Also, like, feeling like, our need. Like, I need a soul. Like, it's time to do a soul retrieval. But I haven't been able to open the book, but I've had it, and I actually looked at it yesterday, and I was like, I should be able to open this book at some point. But, like. But it's part of the process. I just wanted to share that. Like, I never said that. But it's aligning. Amy Babish: It's here, it's here. So what came through as you've been speaking is that I feel like you have had your own alchemical constellation. This is one another constellation that we've had even do any formal repping. The reps were here, the reps came through. And so for those of you who've never been in a constellation process, there are many, many ways to do constellations. And part of the way I do constellations is in the energy. Not even with people. Leanne: Not even. Amy Babish: So I do have some stone medicine on my desk while we're talking, and Leanne's gonna get a picture of it, and we'll decide if we're gonna share it with the group afterwards. Leanne: But I'm open, so maybe, I guess. Amy Babish: Yeah, we'll take it once at a time. So what has come through as a possibility is I have another guest that we're in the middle of recording the episodes. So when I do an intro consolation process with someone, it's a three session package, because, as you know, it's a huge arc. And so with one of the podcast guests, her name is Brittany, we're taping her episode, her third episode in two weeks. But each episode is its own constellation within an arc of the three sessions. And so what I'm. What I'm feeling for you, if it feels alive, would you like to do a three session podcast with me? Leanne: Sure. As repping. Yeah, whatever. Yeah. So there's something about like a. It's a. Yes. I. I don't know. Like. Yeah. Amy Babish: So I don't think it's actually gonna be three constellations. It's gonna be the three session process. So today feels like we got through the layer that we needed to, because it feels like even. Even your energy, like the overwhelm. We just opened the. Leanne: The. Amy Babish: The faucet for the overwhelm, and I feel like returned back to where it needs to go to. Leanne: Yeah. The block. Mm. Amy Babish: Yep. I feel like the bulk of what you named the faucet opened when I said, what is the block? So the block was like, these are things I've never shared. These are things I'm never gonna say out loud. This is too much. This is a lot. And you guys can't see us, the listeners can't see us, but we're just literally in flow. And there was a lot of emotion released. There was a lot of released, but it's not too much. And Leanne is like, sitting here, sovereign, all here, and that feels super, super, super important. To name. So, yeah, my thought is this is. This is our first episode, and then you and I will schedule. This is where it's going to get interesting. So when I do Taoist stone medicine, that process that's taught to me by a Dallas stone medicine mentor, I can. You and I will do it in real time. But what I think will be helpful is that we'll have a podcast episode to talk about what it felt like for you afterwards, because I don't talk to, Like, I'll talk with you when I set it up based on intention again. But the process is really in the energetic spiritual soul ancestral place. So what I think we're going to do is a Taoist soul retrieval. Leanne: Okay. Amy Babish: So that feels like. Leanne: I don't know what that is, but. But, but. But if that's. If that's the prescription, then if that's what. If that's what the resources prescribe. So I guess. I guess I'm. I'm going to take the medicine. That's the medicine. Amy Babish: It's come through four times. I was like, oh, she doesn't need this. And guidance was. She's already done it, but she still needs more. No, I was like, I'm gonna just wait and see. And so then the candle, and then you're talking about you carrying Adam's soul. I was like, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. I hear you. Leanne: So mine hasn't happened yet. Amy Babish: Yes. So I feel like I'll show you the cards next, but that feels like the second process. And maybe we'll have a podcast episode that's kind of like this one again, where we talk about what was like for you. And then we go through another layer. It might be a constellation in that layer. I don't know. And then we see. And then we'll do a third. Third episode to see if another constellation is needed. But that one might be house therapy, because we've talked about house therapy a little bit, so I'm not sure. But house therapy feng shui is super helpful to integrate in all of. And then also tons of resources so that you can be held as you continue to evolve and flourish. Leanne: Yeah, Yeah, I feel. Yeah, I feel like even, like. Like, as you're speaking, I'm saying my. My field is saying, yeah, like, what now? Take what. Whatever this release was like that opening that portal that has just opened that layer. Take it and. And integrate it. Like, it's a layer thing. Right. And they're releasing as much as I can handle. So it was overwhelming. And I needed, like, like you said, A force that. Which is interesting because my water pipe broke the other day and I couldn't turn on my. The water in my house was turned off. And water is very like, I'm very resourced by water. So that was the tracking. So it feels like it's resources saying, okay, you have this, do what you got to do and then, and then then does more. Amy Babish: So and integration is like such a massive part of the work. So it's never just, it's never just the conversation. It's like integrating. And Leanne will get an email from me after this with way that I help people integrate after work with me and she already has from our mentors, but I add some different ones in from my modalities. So now we're going to get to the cards because I think the cards are going to be an exclamation point. So I asked what was at the base of the entanglement that you're carrying today? And so this card is the strength card and it's a lion who has an infinity symbol on their brain with the sun at the top holding a rose. And when you started to Talk about your 4 year old self being in the middle and then also being in the middle of everything at Sandy Hook, being in the middle of being a crisis counselor, being in the middle of being American and being from another country, being in the middle of being a woman of color, gold, majority member woman, just you're in the middle of a lot of things. And it's not that, you know, when strength is right sized, it's still like sovereign and it can be soft. But I feel like the strength that you were carrying with that metaphor that your dad gave you. Leanne: You have to. Amy Babish: Be the one that to climb the tree and take all of, all of the fruits and the abundance and you have to do this. And so it feels like it doesn't mean that you can't take the abundance from the tree, but you don't have to do it with whatever that entanglement is. Leanne: Which is what brought me here to come find collaborators because I can't do it alone. And just to share with you, in my South African, that was when I said I was connecting with the elephant. Yes, that was the animal that showed up for me. And just so you know, while I had this very profound video of the elephant coming towards us in South Africa, only our truck, we were, everybody was looking for the elephant, the lion, and we went to turn our truck and boom, the elephant was right in front of us, right next to the, not the Elephant. The lion was just like. It just appeared out of nowhere and kind of gave us a look. I had like, great pictures, like, looked at us. And then we were looking for the lion. Everybody was looking for the lion in our car stop. And we had to get somebody to come jump started. So we went. You see how the timing just to be able to. I just knew that I was. And at that time, I didn't know that I was connected. I was still looking at myself. Like, the elephant, I don't think. Elephant and water, right? And this is before the homestead we went to. This is where we did the game reserve. Like, the elephants revealed themselves and the animals were revealing themselves. So that day, like, I literally have a video. The elephant just. It just walked right by. I have a video, like, right by. And everybody kept thinking that I was going to be scared. The person that was sitting in the spot where I sat that day didn't go. And he. I was messing with him. And he said, you're not. You're going to be too afraid. And I said, no, I'm not. So when the elephant came, the elephant just walked right by the jeep and literally looked. I have a video looked at the direction. I didn't even know that when cats lick their lips, it's like their way of saying, I love you. I found that after my mentor, I found out that, like, that's kind of like. And literally the cat didn't look. This is the lion. Lioness. She looked and she did the thing and just walked. And everybody was talking about how afraid they were. And I was like, no. I was very. I felt very safe. I felt very. Like there was something about it that was like, pay attention, like. And. Yes. And until we went to the homestead and I released and I put the brace, the ankle bracelet, I put it. There was a. There was a. Like a plaque or something like iron thing of like a lion's face. And that's where I put them. The ankle bracelet, that's where I put it down. You didn't know this? I didn't know that. Amy Babish: I didn't know that. Leanne: I just wanted to give more context to how true that is. Amy Babish: The second card is, what is the resource for this? Integrity. And so this card, this is a very graphic card, but you're going to understand the power of it based on what we just did. So the card I pulled was the ten of swords. And it is a bull or an ox who has 10 swords in it. And so what I felt when I. Before we even got on, when I felt with this was. There's going to be a massive completion today. And Swords in Tarot are the suite of like our thoughts. And so with everything from four year old Leanne to what happened with Sandy Hook with the police officers, you know, sometimes when we dissociate like that part of you that lifted you up, we need to go above everything to see how big it actually is. Like this was so big. It was too much. It was complex. It was so painful. There's so much terror and agony and every single layer of everything that created that situation. You were in it. And so your soul lifted you up, but part of your, part of your mind stayed there. And so your mind fractured in that, in that trauma with the police officers, with the guns, with, with the art teacher loss of so many, so many. And so I feel that what just in the, in the alchemy of you naming aloud things today, I think you ended, you ended carrying everybody's thoughts. You, you ended whatever that was between your parents, that no, we shouldn't have an abortion. No, we should keep her. Leanne: Right. Amy Babish: Even you ended being in the middle of whatever that was, doesn't even need to be named. Whatever that was, or partnership, whatever it was for you between two continents, between countries that you love that are very complicated, it feels like also understanding that both of your grandparents were orphaned. Whatever. Whatever they were fractures of, they were split between the biological family and the adoptive families, between probably their tribes and the families they were brought into. It feels like you allowed things to just dissolve and complete. And to me, this card represents mercy. So when this is the power of atonement. And so I feel like what you did in my constellation with Adam was you offered atonement to him. Mercy that is not deserved and grace that isn't earned. And the world needs this more than anything right now. Leanne: Life's connected, doesn't it? Like by saying like I, I just couldn't. Like I haven't been to church, recognize I can't get back to church because it's like there's a lot that it's like it doesn't help. Amy Babish: Yeah. Leanne: Yeah. Leanne: And, and, and I'm like, I don't understand how we honor dispelations. Leanne: Yeah. Leanne: This is not what Jesus did. Amy Babish: This is. So when, when the world I knew. Leanne: It was connected to both, like I told me strongly and I felt very connected to it. But the church, like the smart. Oh my God. And I, I don't know how to be a relationship. Someone else, you know, without kind of taking myself out of it because I Just. I just felt like I. I was staying in it, but it wasn't, you know. Amy Babish: Yeah, it was. It wasn't. When it was in its wholeness. Leanne: Yes, yes. Amy Babish: It was in the perpetration energy, which is for another whole energy. Whole, whole episode. Leanne: Yeah. Amy Babish: So I feel a massive. Of holding other people's thoughts, belief systems, confusion, loyalties, alliances, their revenge, mentors. Yeah, yeah. People who have good intentions, but just carry so much confusion and hurt that they can't be in their wholeness. Leanne: Yes, yes. Amy Babish: I feel that you. You wove it in your. In your everything you named alchemy. That was. That was the resource with completion, with, I would say atonement. Leanne: And that's powerful. Amy Babish: Yes. Then the last card I pull is what is the forward movement? And so I used your. Your true name. But on this podcast episode, we say what is Leanne's, like, most divine whole aligned forward movement? And so the card I pulled was the eight of wands. So wands are our spiritual, energetic soul level, like gifts and awareness. And so in this card, there are eight wands, and they're coming to a point that is a burst of light. And the lightning bolt is on one of the wands, and the lightning bolt is the rainbow. Leanne: And what a sign. Amy Babish: So in a traditional tarot deck, it's a very different vibe. It's a very different picture. When I see that, it's like you have been struck by lightning. Your soul has allowed in a huge kind of part of yourself to come back by releasing everybody else's fractals, everyone else's thoughts, their worry, their fears, their rage, their scatteredness. And when, when lightning strikes, I'm going to get. I have something that in my office when, when lightning strikes in the desert, it looks like this. So this, this is a stone. It's. This is from Morocco. But when lightning strikes, strikes sand in the desert, it makes this, this tube. And so they call this the shamans of the shaman stones. It feels like what happened to what's been happening, what's been unfolding with another layer today. It feels like you will be able to be in deeper contact with, how to express and be in flow, receiving and expressing the gifts that you came in with, the gifts from your bloodlineages and the gift of your soul. It feels like that's taking something that was super intense and you've alchemized it. And you're kind of. The wands feel like you're bringing all the gifts together. Not all of them, but many of the gifts together, many of the resources Together and within the darkness now the light is starting to come out. And in many spiritual traditions, you know, apparitions and spiritual events are oftentimes, you know, something that you said throughout today's episode, which is, you know, my experience is, like, always on the side. No one's ever noticing it. And having this epic thing that to me is like, what an apparition is. Nobody knows. It's always revealed to people who are very vulnerable or children or people who are in the middle of nowhere, but they. They've lived through it. They know it. They. They're the. They're the sacred holders of it. They always. Great experience. And it feels like what happened, you know, today's layer was like, I can finally stand here as my sovereign self with strength that is actually mine. It's not overdone. I can knit my two feet and I can be this vessel. And I have been through so many miracles, and I am magic, and. Leanne: I'm. Amy Babish: A testament to blood lineages. Being lived through many things, and my soul has lived through many things. And in this lifetime, I've lived through many things. And it's. It is, you know, by the grace, the grace of. Of God, the grace of your soul, the grace of all the resources that you're moving forward in a prolific way. Leanne: Sorry. Yeah. So can you see? Have you ever noticed me to be silent? Amy Babish: We know each other very well. Leanne: And. And I'm looking at, like, the picture I put here that I said, like, let me put this. Because I grabbed it, like, last minute. I'm like, let me. I can look at her and be like, let's go. Like, let's do this. Yeah, yeah. Like. Like, yeah. Like, even I'm getting like a. Like a. A movement in just looking at. Amy Babish: Looking at her. Leanne: Yeah. Like, yeah, she's waiting for me. Yeah. Like, yeah, yeah. Amy Babish: So for those of you who rode this big. These big waves with us that swam the waters, we've been so many places. Leanne: We'Ve been through decade edit in. Amy Babish: There's no Ed, there's Amy freestyle. This is how this is. Like, you know, this is an authentic session. Like, my sessions are usually two hours. Conversation Journeyed many, many layers through two hours. We, you know, we both are the same age. We have journeyed through seven years of blood life. And, you know, this is a significant layer. So thank you to those of you who have stayed with us and who are, you know, I hope that this was medicine for you no matter what, what your connections are with Leanne and her story or your own lived experience. Or your own lineages or your own experience of. We did. Leanne: We. Amy Babish: We went through so many different themes today. And I hope that you are really going to take time, Leanne, and for listeners to really let this literally wash through you. Like water, drink water, be in the shower. If you live by the ocean, dip your toes in or go full on in. We both had a lot of beautiful experiences in the freezing water of South Africa. Ocean. If you don't live by an ocean, if you can get to a creek or a river or if it's even your own shower or bathtub, just let the healing waters soothe you and integrate you through this prolific episode. Leanna, is there anything you want to say before we close out? Leanne: Yeah. Just as you were sharing that this was medicine for me, but it's. It's also like I just felt that. That it's like this you sharing was held for maybe. I don't know if it's one listener or a bunch of listeners in. In. In your like that are going to listen to this in my release, like it was like it was held for this person or these people that, that that are hearing this. So it was also medicine that was coming forth because for that release I have my release. Like now it's almost like a passage. Like I was looking at the picture I put as my future self and it's like finally got a rite of passage and I put my grounding rock on top of the sticker that I have on my. On my laptop on the side of like what is holding between me and this picture of my future self. And it says, be a voice, not an echo. Everything is possible if you just believe. So I was looking when you were speaking, I was looking at the. Because this is one of the rocks that it's like get connected to your root chakra and then to the heart and then find your forward movement. So it felt like I needed to like now I'm like this passage. But in this passage I'm also opening. I opened a new layer. But in this allowing and just give. It's like an offering almost. It's like I'm giving an offering to this place that has held me. And also to your listeners for. Because. Because you held like it's almost like, you know, the reciprocity which is very important to me to give and given and receiving. So it's kind of like you held this healing movement for me since we met probably even longer maybe just in this body since we met in physical. But you've held this for me. And so this is my gratitude. I'm given also to your. Because I received. So it's. And that's the cyclical. Like that's the, the circle. It's never, it's not linear. It's like when you open, when we move, we open the door, we leave the door open for someone else. So as I remove this rock and I get passage into. And the stone, the shaman stone that you like, it's like a tube, right? And it's like a passage. So I'm entering into that tube and I'm leaving something. So what am I leaving behind? Like the bracelet. Ankle bracelet. Right. And this forward movement, I'm leaving it for somebody. Somebody's healing is, is like taking shape or like starting. Like there's a beginning for somebody who is going to listen to this. And that's the, that's the spirit of why we're here. Right? Amy Babish: It's the infinity loop. Leanne: Yeah. Yeah. Amy Babish: Well, thank you, thank you, thank you to the listeners. And if you would like to do an alchemical three session process meet, it's on my website under Alchemical Constellation Gateway. And if you're like, I don't even know where to begin, you can sign up for a free complimentary call with me. And if this episode resonates, please leave me a review on your favorite platform. Please share this with those who you think might benefit from the episode and until we meet again, sending you blessings. Amy Babish: From the Doeg land that I steward. That's all for this episode of the Soulful Visionary podcast. If you found value in today's episode and are ready to delve deeper into aligning your inner world and environment, please subscribe to this podcast on your favorite podcast platform Podcast. Your subscription helps us to reach more soulful visionaries like yourself. And if you've been inspired by what you heard, I'd be incredibly grateful if you could leave a review. Your feedback not only helps others discover this podcast, but also guides me in creating content that truly resonates with you. I'll catch you in the next episode. As we continue to unlock the love, purpose and fulfillment you deeply crave.